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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 12, 1995's comic on:


Tags #strategic planning team, #satisfaction, #vague emotional terms, #mediocre thinkers, #believe options, #steer the company, #viewgraphs, #last years viewgraph

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Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss says, "I'm putting you on the strategic planning team." The Boss continues, "It's like work but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything." Dilbert and three co-workers sit at a conference table. A man says, "You're new, so let me explain how this works." The man continues, "We have meetings and talk about the company's strategy in vague emotional terms." The man continues, "In time, we convince ourselves that we're more than mediocre thinkers who sit around complaining." The man continues, "We start believing our opinions will steer the company. We feel important. We feel ALIVE!!" A woman tells Dilbert, "Then we snap out of it and make viewgraphs that say we should keep doing what we're doing." Dilbert says, "I like making viewgraphs." The woman replies, "Actually, we use last year's viewgraph."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 25, 1991's comic on:


Tags #scientist, #defamation, #league, #bake, #sale, #fund, #raiser, #repeat, #fiasco, #competitive, #volcanoes, #indigenous, #fleeing, #horror

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At the Scientist Anti-Defamation League, a man says, "The bake sale fund raiser is Thursday." The man continues, "And let's not have a repeat of last year's fiasco when it got so competitive." On Thursday, Dilbert enters carrying a volcano and a man with a clipboard says, "Put it with the other volcanoes." Dilbert asks, "Did you notice the indigenous people fleeing in horror?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 09, 1997's comic on:


Tags #engineering conference, #most valuable asset, #decline, #overtime, #assets decline, #fine art, #every year, #louve, #certification of depreciation, #earned your air

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The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 1998's comic on:


Tags #delegate tasks, #cash flow estimate, #urgent, #boss must wait, #Dilbert, #assignment request, #wait a few days

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The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and thinks, "It's time to delegate." The Boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to give me a new cash flow estimate for your project." Dilbert replies, "Okay, fine." The Boss asks, "When will I get it?" Dilbert asks, "When do you need it?" The Boss says, "As soon as possible!" Dilbert says, "Okay." The Boss asks, "When do you think that will be?" Dilbert turns and says, "I usually wait a few days to see if you change your mind." Dilbert continues, "Then I'll give you last year's cash flow as a test to see if you read it." The Boss leaves the cubicle and thinks, "The more experience they get, the worse they are."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 14, 2007's comic on:


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You wrote last year's date on this report. Ha ha! Swift. "I enjoy pointing out your mistakes because it makes me feel better about myself." "I wrote this last year." "This will go faster if you say you didn't."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 06, 2012's comic on:


Tags #booth, #brochure, #exhibitions, #exhibitor expenses, #expenses, #huge crowds, #last 11 years, #logo sign, #new customers, #popular booth, #spillover, #steal chair, #trade show, #video of incident, #youtube

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Boss: How did we do at the trade show? Dilbert: We had a huge crowd around our booth the entire time. But it was just the spillover from the popular booth next to us. The only person who asked for our brochure used it to kill a spider. Some guy tried to steal our extra chair and then Alice beat him senseless with our logo sign. A video of the incident is already on YouTube. It cost us $200,000 to be an exhibitor and we gained zero new customers. So it was just like the last eleven years. Boss: I feel good about next year!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 1996's comic on:


Tags #product mock up, #last week, #don't make prodcut, #competitors product

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A man stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand!" Dilbert says, "That was a MOCK-UP! We don't even make that product yet. It would take three years to make one." The man says, "Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The first one was terrific!" Dilbert replies, "The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 31, 2001's comic on:


Tags #evil hr director, #five years expereince, #job interview, #no profit, #dot com president, #Catbert

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CATBERT: EVIL H.R. DIRECTOR: A man sitting across the desk from Catbert says, "... And I have five years experience as a dot-com president." The man listens as Catbert says, "You're in luck. We need someone who can burn through twenty million dollars without making a profit." Catbert grins widely as the man says, "Really? The last nine interviewers said the same thing but they were joking."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 27, 2002's comic on:


Tags #accounting irregularities, #five year plan, #five years ago, #investigated, #prophetic, #5 year assessment

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The Boss says to Wally and Dilbert, "I found or five-year plan from five years ago." The Boss continues, "The last page says, "At the end of the fifth year, the entire management team will be..." The Boss continues to read, "... investigated for accounting irregularities." Wally looks at the secret service agent who has just entered and says, "Spooky."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #time travel, #elbonia, #time, #70 years future, #great grandson, #set thing, #won't work out, #cave, #pool, #monster, #gun

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Dilbert: I hope I'm not calling too late. What time is it in Elbonia? Elbonian: We're seventy years in your future. I'm the great grandson of the guy you are trying to reach. By the way, that SETI thing won't work out the way you're hoping.