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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 06, 1996's comic on:


Tags #manager ted, #planned better, #pushed down stairs, #soul left body, #evil entity, #performance reviews

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The Boss pokes his head into Ted's office and asks, "How do you like being a manager, Ted?" Ted replies, "Yesterday my staff pushed me down ten flights of stairs. My soul left my body and now I'm a lifeless evil entity." The Boss says, "Just in time to do performance reviews!" Ted responds, "I couldn't have planned it better."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 03, 1996's comic on:


Tags #grow a beard, #ted, #not smart enough, #grows horn

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Dilbert, Wally and Ted are drinking coffee. Ted says, "I've decided to mask my boyish looks by growing a beard." As he and Dilbert walk away, Wally says, "I didn't think Ted was smart enough to know how to grow a beard." Dilbert laughs. The caption says, "Two weeks later." Ted points to a beard growing on his forehead and says to the Boss, "How do you like my beard?" The Boss thinks, "My search for a new manager is over."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 04, 1996's comic on:


Tags #promoted ted, #new manager, #new beard, #grow from forehead, #wrong, #punish them, #bad opinions

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The Boss gestures toward Ted and says to Alice and Dilbert, "I promoted Ted to be your new manager. I used to think he looked boyish, but his new beard has changed that." Alice and Dilbert look shocked. Alice asks, "Are either of you the least bit concerned that Ted's beard is growing from his forehead?" As they walk away, Ted says to the Boss, "She made it sound as if it's wrong." The Boss says, "You can punish them for having bad opinions."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 11, 2001's comic on:


Tags #downsize you, #ted, #bad job, #essentail function, #cost reductions, #marketing, #spent too much, #trade show booth, #dept phone list., #business

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The Boss says to Ted, "Ted, I have to downsize you." Ted turns around and asks, "Was I doing a bad job?" The Boss replies, "No, it's more complicated than that." Ted asks, "Is my essential function being eliminated?" The Boss answers, "No, the problem is that someone in marketing spent too much for a trade show booth." The Boss continues, "So every manager had to submit a list of potential cost reductions." The Boss continues, "I might have accidentally sent the department phone list as an e-mail attachment." Ted mumbles, "*%! $@." The Boss thinks, "There are lots of whiners in "A" through "M."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 15, 1996's comic on:


Tags #eighteen hour days, #add person, #effoerts, #night shift manager, #behind schedule, #staus reprts, #rendered in 3d

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The Boss appears in the door of Alice's cubicle and says, "Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort." The Boss continues, "So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule." The night shift manager says to Alice, "I like my status reports rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 15, 1993's comic on:


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The Boss stands behind Ted's desk and says, "Ted, you're part of the company 'right sizing' program, effective today." Ted replies, "Thank you! It's nice to get positive feedback from the boss!" The Boss says, "It's not feedback. I'm saying your position has been 'management adjusted.'" Ted replies, "Sounds great! Is there a raise involved?" The Boss says angrily, "Listen to me!! You're part of 'manager attrition' starting right now!" Ted says, "Wow! Is that the fast-track program for managers?" Wally tells Dilbert, "I heard that Ted got picked for the 'manager attrition' program." Dilbert asks angrily, "Why not us?" Dilbert and Wally stand across from the Boss's desk. Dilbert says, "So unless you put us on the 'manager attrition' program too, we quit!" The Boss thinks, "There's never a flamethrower handy when you need it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 04, 1994's comic on:


Tags #restaurant trip, #distractions, #people disperse, #alice bathroom, #wally calls, #ted mail letters, #eat dinner

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Dilbert tells Alice and Wally, "We're waiting for Ted, then we can head for the restaurant." Wally says, "While we're waiting, I'll return a few phone calls." Ted walks up and says, "Let's go! Hey, where's Wally?" Dilbert thinks, "The chain reaction has begun." Dilbert covers his eyes and thinks, "Why can't we do this simple thing?" Alice says, "I'll be in the ladies' room." Wally asks, "Where's Alice?" Ted says, "I've got to mail a letter. I'll take my car and meet you there." Wally thinks, "I can make some calls." Dilbert yells at Ted, "You're the only one who knows which restaurant we're going to!" Ted replies, "Alice knows where it is. Tell her it's the one with the food." The Boss asks Dilbert, "Has your team finished engineering the new missile guidance chip?" Dilbert replies, "I think it's time to give peace a chance."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 19, 2001's comic on:


Tags #reduce staff, #almost worked to death, #ted

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Catbert says to The Boss, "We need to reduce staff by twenty." Catbert shows a list to The Boss and says, "Here's a list of the people you've a-l-m-o-s-t worked to death." The Boss, carrying a piece of paper, says to Ted, "I have another project for you... Uh... Ted." A frightened-looking Ted exclaims, "Aack!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 21, 2004's comic on:


Tags #make ted quit, #aggressive replacement, #share resources, #job unbearable, #pants, #in same pants

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The boss: I hate Ted. How can I make him quit? Catbert: "That's easy." "Hire an aggressive replacement for Ted who will share his resources and make his job unbearable." Ted: "These are my pants." "Are you still here?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #celestial bodies, #managers & supervisors, #black hole, #management style, #dangerous, #importnat emails, #employee named ted, #business

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Catbert: Your management style has caused a black hole to form. Boss: Is it dangerous? Catbert: No to us. It only absorbs important emails from employees. And en employee named Ted, apparently.