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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 04, 2004's comic on:


Tags #vp of marketing, #new version of prodcut, #testamnet, #customers, #new version, #raw data, #customers hate us

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As Vp of marketing, I am proud to introduce the new version of our product. Behold!! This sia testament to what can happen when you listen to customers. we asked customers what they wanted the new version to do. Six months ago I gave that raw data to you engineers. Today we see the result. Its the first time Ive seen it myself. whats it do? BAM!! Our customers said they hate us.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2013's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #obliviousness, #sales personnel, #software, #third party library, #new version, #windows

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Dilbert: The software you sold us stopped working after a week. What's up with that? Salesman: We use a third-party library, and it isn't compatible with the new version of Windows. Dilbert: And...? Salesman: We appreciate your business?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 21, 1996's comic on:


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A man says to Dilbert, "Yo, Dil-man!" Dilbert sits at his desk and thinks, "Uh-oh, it's Ken from sales." Ken says, "I told our biggest customers how great our next product will be. Now nobody will buy our current product." Ken asks, "When will the new version be available?" Dilbert replies, "In a year or two." Ken looks shocked. Ken says, "Hmm . . . I seem to have single-handedly destroyed an entire product line." Ken continues, "Luckily our biggest competitor is hiring sales people. And I'm betting THEY'LL have brisk sales this year! Commissions galore!" Dilbert thinks, "If there's justice in this world, the idiots will be punished . . ." Dilbert thinks, ". . . Before they get promoted." The Boss tells Dilbert, "Um . . . We need the new version by Tuesday."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 11, 2002's comic on:


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A vendor says to Dilbert, "Our new version is a step backward in quality and reliability." The vendor continues, "We're counting on your irrational need to have the latest version of every software product." Dilbert responds, "I hate your weasel guts... but I'll take one for home and one for the office."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 12, 2003's comic on:


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"Hey, it's a customer!" "You're in luck; our next version has every feature you'll ever want!" "It does?" "I was ready to buy your current version... but I guess I'll wait." "When will our new version be ready?" "In a year." "The new version will leapfrog our competition." "Leapfrog? That implies that they have better products right now." "BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU STINKIN' PILE OF CRUD!!" "SLAP!" "I have to run. Try not to blow the sale."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 2017's comic on:


Tags #failure, #blame, #executives, #scapegoat

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Dilbert: Our sales for the quarter were zero. CEO: Heads will roll! Whose fault is this. Dilbert: It's entirely your fault. You told a reporter that our next version will be amazing. So all of our customers are waiting for the new version. The only sensible solution here is for you to admit your mistake and resign in utter humiliation. CEO: Or... I could blame this guy, whatever his name is. Man: That isn't right. CEO: Looks like I'll be adding insubordination to the charges.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 29, 2011's comic on:


Tags #fake press relases, #new green technology, #scientist, #2040 power home, #refrigerator door

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Dogbert says, "I'm writing fake press releases for imaginary new green energy technologies." Computer says, "Scientists say that by 2040 you will be able to power your entire home with the breeze from your refrigerator door." Dilbert says, "Now how will I know which green breakthroughs are real?" Dogbert says, "Seriously? You think there are real ones?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 15, 2011's comic on:


Tags #big business, #children drawing & painting, #executives, #chalky substance, #layers of mangement, #new layers, #p, #avp, #director, #doplphon, #inanimate object

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CEO: I'm adding a few layers of management below me. The new layers are VP, AVP, Director, dolphin, inanimate object, and chalky substance. If you have any issue, I encourage you to talk to the chalky substance.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 04, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #saving & investment, #intentional billing errors, #honest mistakes, #maintain bonuses, #pipelien, #new errors, #pension algorythm

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Carol: Once again, our only profitable line of business is "intentional billing errors." It started as a series of honest mistakes. Now it's the only way we can maintain our bonuses. Boss: Do we have anything better in the pipeline? Carol: R&D is testing some new errors for our pension algorithm.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 01, 2011's comic on:


Tags #boats, #business ethics, #new boat, #engineers, #skills, #boss's boat, #picture, #nautical interests

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Boss: Who wants to see a picture of my new boat? Dilbert: That's a very good question. If we consider the fact that we work much harder than he does... Carol: And we have valuable engineering skills, whereas he can't operate the GPS in his SUV... and for some reason we don't get paid enough to buy impressive boats. Dilbert: And we have no nautical interests whatsoever. I think your best bet is people who don't know you. Man: And you are? Boss: This only works if we don't get too familiar.