Search Results for "new year resolutions"
Share December 31, 2011's comic on:
Woman: Happy New Year! Dilbert: Whoa! Settle down. I don't celebrate the magical thinking that says one random point in the space-time continuum is somehow special. Woman: It's just a hug. You'll enjoy it. Dilbert: You're like some sort of Oxytocin drug dealer.
Share January 01, 2013's comic on:
Dilbert: A fresh new year is upon us and I am brimming with optimism. Ugh. Our network at work is down because my pointy-haired boss wouldn't let me upgrade the software. Now I need to work all night to fix it. Maybe this means the next 364 days will be extra awesome. Dogbert: Yeah. That's how it works.
Share December 31, 2009's comic on:
Dilbert says, "It's new year's eve. Do you want to stay up until midnight?" Dogbert says, "Only losers wait until midnight. The Dogbert new year begins at 10 PM." Dilbert says, "It's 10 PM now." Dogbert says, "And I like to celebrate by giving myself a hug....mmm...."
Share May 27, 2016's comic on:
Boss: Our Employee Of The Year is Wally, for referring so many new people to work in engineering. We believe he accomplished this feat by manipulating the referral system, but we can't prove it. So just to hedge our bet, we misspelled his name on the certificate. Wally: I had it coming.
Share May 06, 2012's comic on:
Boss: How did we do at the trade show? Dilbert: We had a huge crowd around our booth the entire time. But it was just the spillover from the popular booth next to us. The only person who asked for our brochure used it to kill a spider. Some guy tried to steal our extra chair and then Alice beat him senseless with our logo sign. A video of the incident is already on YouTube. It cost us $200,000 to be an exhibitor and we gained zero new customers. So it was just like the last eleven years. Boss: I feel good about next year!
Share June 03, 2012's comic on:
Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.
Share October 14, 1994's comic on:
"I can predict the future by assuming that money and male hormones are the driving forces for new technology." "Therefore, when virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed." "Year 2004" "Is Dilbert available?" "He's been in the holodeck since March."
Share April 08, 1997's comic on:
Carol hands Dilbert a piece of paper and says, "Here's the new org chart. I had to rearrange the layout to make it fit." Dilbert asks, "Why is my box lower than Alice's and Wally's?" Carol replies, "It means nothing . . . Nothing at all." Dilbert asks, "Okay, who told you that every year I fish your Secretaries' Day card out of your trash and save it for next time?" Carol asks, "What?"