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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 18, 2011's comic on:


Tags #declare failure, #explaining things, #frustration, #incompetence, #office workers, #partial victory, #platform upgarde, #teds brain, #trapped

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Boss: Ted can explain what you need to do before the platform upgrade. Dilbert: No he can't. Ted's brain is where knowledge goes to die. He's not good at explaining things. The knowledge might be in his brain, but it's trapped there. Unfortunately, Ted's incompetence is so unbelievable that you literally don't believe me. In time, you will assume that Ted taught me well but I forgot all of it. I'm doomed before I start. Let's just declare failure and move on. Boss: That works for me. Dilbert: Partial victory.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 1996's comic on:


Tags #started own compnay, #selling product, #be rich, #victory jog, #employment agreement, #patent rights

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Wally and Dilbert stand in front of the Boss's desk. Dilbert says, "Wally and I started our own company. We're selling the product that you said nobody wants." Wally adds, "Soon we will be rich." As they dance around the office, Dilbert says, "We do our victory jig in your face." Wally says, "Ba-bum" as the shakes back and forth. Wally and Dilbert are sobbing in the hallway. Alice asks, "When he showed you your employment agreement - where you gave all patent rights to this company - what part of the jig were you doing?" Dilbert replies, "Turbo mooning."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 04, 1997's comic on:


Tags #plundered, #downsized, #equity, #massive stock options, #victory seems hollow, #meaningful contribition, #book deal, #trophy wife

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Dogbert walks by empty cubicles. He thinks, "I've downsized this company and plundered its equity by excercising my massive stock options." A chauffer holds the door as Dogbert gets into his limosine and thinks, "Yet my victory seems hollow. Something is missing." Dogbert sits on the couch with Dilbert. Dilbert says, "Maybe you're missing a sense of meaningful contribution to society." Dogbert relies, "Maybe... but I'm thinking book deal and trophy wife."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 27, 1997's comic on:


Tags #installation successful, #second digital, #access internet, #tradition requires, #victory dance, #engineers, #kill him, #justified

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Dilbert stands in front of his home computer. Dilbert thinks, "The installation is successful. I have 128 kilobits per second of digital access to the internet." Dilbert dances. Dilbert thinks, "As tradition requires, I do the engineer's victory dance." Dogbert films with a video camera. Dogbert says, "...so if I ever have to kill him, the jury will realize it was justified." Ratbert asks, "Could you hurry?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 03, 1995's comic on:


Tags #laptop, #freezing up, #telecommuting, #distracted at home, #virtual cubcile, #invisible walls, #cone of prodcutivity, #dedicated, #cone, #focused, #corporate vision, #firm commitment, #work at hime, #victory

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Dilbert sits at his desk in his bathrobe. Dogbert says, "My laptop PC keeps freezing up. Come take a look at it." Dilbert replies, "I'm telecommuting, Dogbert. I can't be distracted by home projects." Dilbert says, "Don't come another step closer. This is my virtual cubicle, within which I can not be disturbed." Dilbert spreads his arms and continues, "These invisible walls form a cone of productivity around me." Dilbert continues, "Within this zone I am a dedicated employee, totally focused on the corporate vision." Dilbert continues, "Nothing can distract me from my firm commitment to the work-at-home principle." Dogbert says, "Fine. I think I'll set the couch on fire." Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table working on a laptop. Dogbert says, "Another victory for the distractor!" Dilbert says, "I swear, someday principle will win!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 07, 2000's comic on:


Tags #employee of month, #lulu, #overcame odds, #to win, #name randomly picked, #victory, #last month

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The Boss: The employee of the month is LULU. LULU overcame long odds to win this award. I.E. her name was randomly picked. Wally: Id protest but I don't want to taint my victory of last month.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 30, 2001's comic on:


Tags #agree who's fault, #meeting, #Men, #so mature, #trip victory lap, #won meeting, #your fault, #delays

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Wally watches as Asok the Intern says to a male co-worker, "... And so you agree that the delays are your fault?" The co-worker says, "Yeh." The co-worker and Wally watch as, throwing his arms up in the air in jubilation, Asok exclaims, "I won the meeting!!" Asok's clothing and hair are askew and his eye is closed shut as he says, "Only a sore loser would trip someone on his victory lap." Wally says, "He is so-o-o immature."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2004's comic on:


Tags #your age, #talking to youth, #pleasure of flesh, #not getting it, #sought victory

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Wally: "When I was your age, Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasure of the flesh." "But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience my new mistress." "You know why I like talking to you?" Asok: "Because I am a good listener?" "No, because you're here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 04, 2014's comic on:


Tags #apathy, #complaining, #dump, #speak mind, #coffe mug, #demand id, #Opinion, #victory lap

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Exit Interview Employee: Heh-heh. I am going to speak my mind and dump on everyone. Boss: Give me our I.D. and get out. If anyone wanted your opinion I would have paid you enough to stay. Employee: So much for my victory lap. Boss: You forgot your mug!

No Path To Victory

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No Path To Victory - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 30, 2018's comic on:


Tags #catch-22, #laziness, #request

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Woman: Do you have a minute? Wally: Can I get back to you? Woman: If I say yes, I will never hear from you. But if I say no, I'll look like a pushy jerk. I don't see a path to victory here. Wally: Have you tried lowering your expectations?