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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 2002's comic on:


Tags #latest assignment, #impossible, #slow speed of light, #perfect art, #human cloing, #eliminate garvity, #stop the sun, #reanimate dead, #impossible tasks, #change the world, #nature

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Dilbert hands a piece of paper to The Garbageman and asks, "Does my latest assignment look impossible?" The Garbageman reads the paper and replies, "Let's see... You'd need to slow the speed of light, and perfect the art of human cloning..." Dilbert asks, "So there's hope?" The Garbageman responds, "Eliminate gravity, stop the sun, reanimate the dead."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #quarreling, #mastered art, #being useless, #next level, #toxic, #toxic people, #complain, #personal problems

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Dogbert: Each of you has already mastered the art of being useless at work. It's time to take it to the next level. Today I will teach you how to be toxic. Toxic people talk about two types of things. One: bring up topics that are sure to cause others to fight. Two: complain about your personal problems at every opportunity. Your homework is to practice at work tomorrow. Wally: I mentioned to Alice that you think her plan is kind of lame.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 09, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #envy, #big promotion, #congratulations, #not jealous, #good work, #art of full body lying

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Ted: Hey, Alice! Did you hear about my big promotion? Alice: Congratulations, Ted. I'm not jealous at all. Keep up the good work. Sorry about my face. I haven't mastered the art of full-body lying.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 27, 2011's comic on:


Tags #frustration, #gadgets, #smartphone interface rage, #perfect storm, #bad interface design, #chubby fingers, #poor signal strenth, #smashing phone, #frustrated, #can't survive, #lesser of two eveils

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Dilbert: Whoa! Watch out. I've read about this. It's called smartphone interface rage. It's caused by the perfect storm of bad interface design, chubby fingers, and poor signal strength. He'll get so frustrated that he'll consider smashing his phone. Then he'll realize he can't survive without his phone and he'll be twice as frustrated. We have to do something. Wally: Run as fast as you can into the wall! It will take your mind off of your phone! Sometimes the best you can hope for is that the lesser of two evils is the funny one.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 05, 2012's comic on:


Tags #coffe lounge, #more vocal, #accomplishments, #bragging, #perfect substotute, #wind, #seat cushion

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Dilbert: I think I need to be more vocal about my accomplishments. Wally: I've found that bragging is a perfect substitute for accomplishing stuff. Dilbert: I plan to do both. Wally: Wow. You are the wind beneath my seat cushion.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 13, 1994's comic on:


Tags #impression, #dog in space, #physical humor, #lost art

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Dogbert: And now I will give you my impression of a dog in space. Dogbert: Physical humor is a lost art. Dilbert: Let me know if you find it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 15, 1995's comic on:


Tags #dehumanization, #invisible to humans, #fix, #wear a bag, #perfect solution, #hear you

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Dilbert stands in front of Dogbert waving his arms. Dilbert says, "The dehumanization of my job has rendered me invisible to humans. Only you can see me, Dogbert." Dilbert asks, "How can we fix this?" Dogbert replies, "You could wear a bag on your head when you're around me." Dilbert clenches his fists and answers, "That's not the fix I had in mind." Dogbert responds, "It's not a perfect solution. I'd still be able to hear you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 01, 1995's comic on:


Tags #tina brittlke tech, #dysfunctional, #opinions, #email, #women portrayed, #lawyers, #startship captains, #art class

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Dogbert and Tina are sitting at a table. Dogbert says to the reader, "This week, we introduced Tina the Brittle Tech Writer to the strip. Tina is dysfunctional like everybody here except me." Tina growls, "RRRR." Dogbert continues, "Send your opinions by e-mail to scottadams@aol.com. It's the only way we can learn." Tina growls, "RRRR." A written list says, "PICK ONE: A. Women should only be portrayed as lawyers and starship captains. B. I don't have e-mail. C. Tina should be treated with the same dignity as Dilbert and Wally. D. Take an art class."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 26, 1995's comic on:


Tags #hired, #audit, #perfect job, #give money, #call dolts, #alice, #engineer, #makes slides, #eat donuts

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Dogbert says to Alice, "I've been hired by your company to perform an ISO 9000 audit." Looking at his laptop PC, Dogbert says, "Basically, you give me money and I tell you that you're a bunch of dolts. It's the perfect job for me." Dogbert continues, "Tell me what you do here, Alice, if that's your real name." Alice replies, "I'm an engineer. I make slides that people can't read. Sometimes I eat donuts."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 03, 1995's comic on:


Tags #low cost paintings, #walls, #in a frame, #how much paintings, #corporate art source, #dogbert art dealer

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Dogbert and the Boss sit at a table looking at a catalog. Dogbert says, "The 'Dogbert Corporate Art Source' will provide low-cost paintings for your walls." Dogbert continues, "Our motto is 'if it's in a frame it will look like art to you.'" The Boss asks, "How much do the paintings cost?" Dogbert replies, "Six dollars a pound."