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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2003's comic on:


Tags #body in body, #knife, #one will die, #recommends killing, #save one life only, #one or the other

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Dogbert is standing on a stool. The Boss is sitting across from him; the consultick is still inside The Boss' torso. Dogbert says, "I can either save your life or the consultant's life, but one of you will die." The Boss replies, "Give us a minute to discuss it." The Boss stands and says, "He recommends that you kill me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 26, 1994's comic on:


Tags #planning to focus, #products killing people, #steal office supplies, #studies are flawed, #urban areas, #advertising

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"Dogbert: Ethics Advisor" "We know our products are killing people, but we're claiming the studies are flawed." "We're planning to focus our advertising on the youth markets in poor urban areas." "So, given all that, is it okay for me to steal office supplies?" "I'd have to say yes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 11, 1995's comic on:


Tags #reorganizing, #department, #fast moving, #powerless, #micro managed, #team, #less experienced people, #g forces, #killing me

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The Boss, Wally, Alice and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "I'm reorganizing the department into fast-moving teams." Wally responds, "Good plan. We'll never realize we're powerless, micro-managed serfs after we call ourselves a 'team.'" The Boss thinks, "I need some less experienced people." Wally says, "I feel faster already." Alice adds, "The G-forces are killing me".

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 17, 1995's comic on:


Tags #co worker, #perfume is killing, #gas mask, #humor, #woman, #stank like hog, #cluless, #waiting compliments

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Dilbert hands Dogbert a gas mask and says, "Dogbert, your mission is to tell my co-worker that her perfume is killing us. Wear this gas mask." As Dilbert puts the mask on Dogbert, he says, "Use humor to ease the tension." Dogbert says, "Good idea." Wearing the mask, Dogbert stands in the woman's cubicle and says, "Did you hear the joke about the woman who stank like a hog rendering plant?" The woman says, "Three times today . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 1995's comic on:


Tags #smell bad, #perfume, #killing people, #cpr, #let me die, #Dogbert, #woman, #bad perfume

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Dogbert stands on a woman's desk wearing a gas mask. He says, "I have failed in my attempt to subtly tell you that your perfume is killing people. I will try a direct approach." Dogbert removes the mask and screams, "Hey!! You smell bad!!! B-a-a-a-d!!" Dilbert collapses onto the desk and the woman asks, "Should I give you CPR?" Dogbert says, "No-o-o-o!! Let me die!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 22, 1997's comic on:


Tags #invented quantum computer, #solve complex equations, #chaos theroy, #shift destiny, #possibly killing inhabitants, #shift happens

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table looking at a device. Dilbert says, "I've invented a quantum computer, capable of interacting with matter from other universes to solve complex equations." Dogbert says, "According to chaos theory, your tiny change to another universe will shift its destiny, possibly killing every inhabitant." Dilbert replies, "Shift happens." Dogbert says, "Fire it up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 19, 2000's comic on:


Tags #house on fire, #servant, #killing spiders, #wounded flies, #work at home person says, #what family hears

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(What the work-at-home person says.) Dilbert says to Dogbert and Catbert, "Don't disturb me unless the house is on fire." (What the rest of the family hears.) Dilbert continues, "I am your servant. My speciality is killing spiders." (What the spiders hear.) Dilbert says, "The house is full of wounded flies."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 04, 1998's comic on:


Tags #bell, #improve moral, #achieve goal, #ring bell, #yell accomplishment, #bell works, #alice, #resisted killing boss

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The Boss points to a bell on the wall and says, "This bell will improve your morale." The Boss continues, "You ring the bell whenever you achieve a goal." The Boss turns and shouts, "Then yell your accomplishment to the rest of the office." The Boss turns to face the office and says, "I know it sounds corny, but the bell has worked in other offices." Dilbert asks, "Does your information come from the bosses of those companies?" The Boss responds, "No. It comes from a magazine that interviewed those bosses." Alice grabs the bell and says, "I'll go first." The bell sounds, "CLANG! CLANG!" Alice calls out to the office, "I resisted killing my boss with a stupid bell."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 17, 2001's comic on:


Tags #job market, #getting worse, #employees afraid, #power to abuse, #grows stronger, #evil dance, #killing me

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The Boss is reading a newspaper. Catbert is standing on his desk. The Boss says, "The job market is getting worse every day!" Catbert replies, "Excellent!" The Boss chuckles and says, "Employees will be afraid. Our power to abuse them grows stronger by the minute!" Catbert grins widely. Catbert grins and dances. The Boss laughs and exclaims, "Ha ha! Stop doing the 'Evil Dance!' You're killing me!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 29, 2002's comic on:


Tags #face for wrinkles, #face is killing me, #inject deadly poison, #botox, #dermal fillers, #botchulism

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Dilbert is sitting at his computer. A female coworker approaches and asks, "Do you think I should inject a deadly poison in my face to hide wrinkles?" Dilbert responds, "It's only fair that you poison your face, because your face is killing me. Hee Hee Hee!" The coworker says, "The correct answer is 'You don't need to.'" Dilbert replies, "Was your mother a shar-pei?"