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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 09, 1996's comic on:


Tags #strategic allaince, #technical skill, #endless supply, #resistance is futile, #assimilated

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A man with a goatee and a woman with spiked hair who's wearing a tube top enter a room with Dilbert. The man says, "Our strategic alliance is working well. My company provides amazing technical skill and your company . . ." The man continues, ". . . Has a seemingly endless supply of three-ring binders." They sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." The woman asks, "Is it true that if your name is written in a binder you lose your soul?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 1995's comic on:


Tags #boss idea, #email system, #stupid idea, #universe, #debate is futile, #nuclear power, #good or evil

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Dilbert and Wally sit at a table. The Boss enters the room and says, "I've got an idea!" Dilbert and Wally think, "We're doomed." The Boss asks, "Why can't we run our inventory database over our e-mail system?" Dilbert thinks, "Fact: that is the stupidest idea in the universe." Wally thinks, "Fact: his comprehension is so limited that debate is futile." Dilbert and Wally both think, "Fact: we could spend hours unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea." Dilbert and Wally think, "Fact: he would never know if we used his idea or not." Dilbert says, "No problem." Wally says, "We'll get right on it." The Boss walks away thinking, "My work is done." Wally tells Dilbert, "Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil." Dilbert adds, "And you don't want to get any on you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 2005's comic on:


Tags #wally reflctor, #bad people, #make you work, #offer no resistance, #order made, #requires work. they blow it off, #no work necessary

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Asok: the move that I ma about to teach you is called the "wally reflects" Wally: Throughout the day bad people will try to make you do work of for them. At first, offer no resistance, as if you actually plan to do the work. Then ask the offender to do a little bit of work himself. Allow me to demonstrate. Wally, I need to design a data base for all of our product features and services. Wally: Glad to do it! Wally: all i need from you is a comprehensive list of the dats fields you need included. Oh...wow Im really busy, I;ll had et get back to you on that. and I'll never see that idiot again. You inspire me. In a creepy kind of way.

A

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A - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 04, 2018's comic on:


Tags #technology, #ai, #artificial intelligence, #resistance, #self-driving cars

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Dilbert: I added artificial intelligence to our self-driving car prototype. But someone left the garage door open and it ran away to join the robot resistance. Is there anything you'd like to tell me? Robot: I'm just a sleeper cell. They don't tell me much.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert stands in the middle of a crowd of Elbonians, spreads his arms and yells, "Elbonians hear me! You must end your futile civil war." Dilbert gestures toward a pig and continues, "You've been loving your animals and fighting each other. A civilized country should slaughter the animals and simply discriminate economically against each other!" Dilbert asks an Elbonian, "How did my speech go over?" The Elbonian points to the pig and says, "I'm sold, but I think the Secretary of State was a bit put off."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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Dilbert and Dogbert walk in the park. Dilbert says, "The great thing about being human is that I'm superior to all other animals." Dogbert asks, "On what do you base that absurd conclusion?" Dilbert replies, "Humans have the ability to kill any other animal. Therefore, we are superior." Dogbert says, "You could be slaughtered by chipmunks if they ever decide to gang up." Dilbert responds, "But they wouldn't decide to do that. That's why humans are superior." Dilbert continues, "Chipmunks waste their days by eating nuts and playing instead of plotting ways to kill other species." They sit down under a tree. Dogbert says, "It's futile to argue with you." Dilbert replies, "Thank you." A chipmunk in the tree says, "I say we kill him. Is anybody with me?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2000's comic on:


Tags #prison morse code, #communicate, #secret message, #cubicle wall, #sent email, #futile, #tapping out, #language

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Asok the intern is at Wally's cubicle. He tells Wally: "I created a prison Morse code so we can communicate during the day." Asok continues: "Tap your secret messages on the cubicle wall." Wally begins to tap a message to Asok. Asok decodes the message: "I S E N T Y O U E M A I L."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 04, 2005's comic on:


Tags #america, #arrogance, #elbonians, #end of time, #fight you, #fix problems, #what we do

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In Elbonia Wally: "I'm from America and I'm here to fix all of your problems." Elbonians: "Your arrogance is offensive. We will form an armed resistance and right you to the end of time!" Wally: "Um... Why?" Elbonians: "It's just something we do."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 07, 2010's comic on:


Tags #quality tester, #version 2, #engineer, #overpaid, #appear, #performance review, #office politics, #raise, #arms out, #plan, #strategy, #wave folder in face, #angry, #bug eyes, #grit teeth, #insubordination

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, I need you to help with quality testing on Version 2." Dilbert says, "I'm an engineer, not a quality tester.' Dilbert says, "If I do quality testing, even temporarily, it will make me appear grossly overpaid." Dilbert says, "That impression could work against me during my next performance review." Dilbert says, "A one percent difference in pay, compounded over the rest of my life, is big money." Dilbert says, "Obviously my best strategy here is to offer resistance that's just short of insubordination." Dilbert says, "So move on, little man! Scat! Go!" Dilbert says, "Too much?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 2014's comic on:


Tags #business people, #managers & supervisors, #holacarcy, #underlings, #abusing for years, #boot on neck, #resistance to changes

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CEO: I'm eliminating all management levels and making us a holacracy. Boss: Noooo!!! Please don't make me equal to the underlings I've been abusing for years! In my defense, I thought I would always have my boot on your neck. Dilbert: Shush.