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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 21, 2004's comic on:


Tags #make ted quit, #aggressive replacement, #share resources, #job unbearable, #pants, #in same pants

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The boss: I hate Ted. How can I make him quit? Catbert: "That's easy." "Hire an aggressive replacement for Ted who will share his resources and make his job unbearable." Ted: "These are my pants." "Are you still here?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 02, 2007's comic on:


Tags #strategic asset, #market share, #fire yourself, #accountabilty

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The Boss: Human resources is a company's most important strategic asset. "That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself." "Strategic assets don't like accountability."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #commerce, #joking, #market share, #increase market share, #good sense of humor

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CEO: Our strategy is to increase market share. Dilbert: I'm confused. I spent all last year trying to decrease our market share. Was that effort wasted? Don't worry. Wally told me he has a good sense of humor. Wally: I'm not reliable.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 14, 2012's comic on:


Tags #babies, #complaining, #human resources, #evil director, #discriminates, #short, #bald, #near sighted, #born this way

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Wally: My boss discriminates against me because I'm short, bald, and near-sighted. It's not my fault. I was born this way. Woman: And who is this little... whoa! Hello. Catbert: evil director of Human Resources. Literally.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 06, 1997's comic on:


Tags #Catbert, #evil hr dircetor, #boss didn't see struggle, #low performance, #alice, #human resources binder, #downsize

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Alice sits across from Catbert's desk. She says, "I was so good at my job that I never needed to bother my boss, but he gave me a low rating because he didn't see me struggling." Catbert replies, "I must refer to my human resources binders to see how to deal with this." Catbert looks at a bookcase filled with binders. Most of the binders are labeled "Downsize" and a few are labeled "Hire Losers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 1998's comic on:


Tags #rag man, #project luser, #budget cuts, #beg for resources, #pencil shavings, #coffee

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Man comes up to Dilbert and introduces himself, "I'm the Rag Man from Project Luser." Rag Man says, "Budget cuts have hit our project hard. I'm forced to beg for resources." Dilbert holds out something and says, "I can spare some pencil shavings." Rag Man says, "Excellent! We make coffee out of that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 28, 1998's comic on:


Tags #underfunded porject, #resources, #intern, #sponge bath, #water fountain, #employees, #budget diffrences

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Rag Man thinks, "I hate being on an underfunded project." Alice walks by with some guy. Rag Man asks, "Can you spare some resources, lady? How about that intern? Are you using him?" Rag Man shows intern, "First you have to learn how to give yourself a sponge bath at the water fountain."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 06, 1998's comic on:


Tags #eliminate privacy, #dignity, #share hotel rooms, #business trips, #tandem showering policy

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Caption: Catbert: H.R. Director Catbert typing at computer terminal. Catbert types, "Consistent with our effort to eliminate privacy and dignity..." Dilbert at his computer terminal reading what Catbert is typing. Catbert's text reads, "...employees must share hotel rooms on all business trips." Catbert at his desk in front of his computer thinking, "After they get used to this, I'll introduce the tandem showering policy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 07, 1998's comic on:


Tags #share hotel rooms, #conference, #roomie, #agree to rules, #spoon on right, #sleep together, #buddies, #new rules, #cheap company

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Dilbert standing next to Wally, who's sitting at his computer terminal. Dilbert says, "Wally, as you know, employees must share hotel rooms at the conference..." Dilbert continues, "So I was wondering if you'd like to...you know...be my roomie." Wally responds, "Sure." Dilbert says, "We'll have to agree on some rules." Wally replies, "I can only spoon on my right."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 10, 1998's comic on:


Tags #project plan, #justify resources, #change software, #software changes, #plan

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The Boss and Dilbert sit at a table. The Boss has a piece of paper in front of him and Dilbert has his laptop. The Boss says, "I'll need a project plan to justify the resources we need to change our software." Dilbert says, "I can make those software shnages in ten seconds." Dilbert types on the laptop. He says, "Done." The Boss says, "Good work. Now all we need is that plan."