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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 25, 2002's comic on:


Tags #assignment, #blah blah, #make holidays tense, #stockholder, #stop merger, #suing us, #dilberts mother

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Dilbert is at his computer. The Boss approaches, hands Dilbert a photograph, and says, "This stockholder is suing us to stop the merger. Go rough her up." Dilbert looks at the photograph and responds, "This assignment disturbs me on many levels." The Boss says, "Name one." Dilbert looks down at the photograph of his mom and says, "It will make the holidays tense." The Boss replies, "Blah, blah, blah."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 11, 2011's comic on:


Tags #boredom, #despair, #mind numbing tesk, #stop thinking

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Asok: I can't wait to finish this mind-numbing task... so I can start another mind-numbing task. I really need to stop thinking.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 09, 2011's comic on:


Tags #gloating, #meetings, #non stop talking, #trophy, #participating, #too much self esteem

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Dilbert: We're out of time and we accomplished absolutely nothing, thanks to your non-stop talking. Coworker: When do I get my trophy for participating? Dilbert: Someone was raised with too much self-esteem. Coworker: Watch me walk!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 1994's comic on:


Tags #making film, #pretending, #kiss, #girl friend, #hug, #Dogbert, #mother, #send film, #stop worry

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"Mmm...Oh, Dilbert! Mmm...!" "Cut!" "Do you really think this will make Mom stop worrying about me?" "Only if you raise your voice for the 'Mmm' part."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 10, 1994's comic on:


Tags #delight customers, #fire everybody, #price of products, #slogan, #stop meetings, #we waste your money

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The Boss: "We must constantly ask ourselves what we can do to delight our customers." Alice: "We could stop having these meetings, fire everybody in the room and lower the prices of our products." The Boss: "I was thinking more alone the lines of a slogan." Wally: "How about, 'we waste your money'?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 30, 1995's comic on:


Tags #built a spreadsheet, #relative qualities, #twenty percent, #stop dating, #wrong formula, #higher math skills, #error intentional, #batch of flowers

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Liz sits at her computer and Dilbert looks over her shoulder. Liz says, "I built a spreadsheet to compare our relative qualities. I'm afraid I'm twenty percent too good for you. We must stop dating." Dilbert points at the screen and says, "NO! Look, Liz, you have the wrong formula in this column! That must mean I have higher math skills than you! We're almost even!" After Dilbert leaves, Liz sits at her computer and Dogbert sits on her printer. Dogbert says to Liz, "You left that error in there intentionally." Liz answers, "My last batch of flowers is wilting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 14, 1996's comic on:


Tags #after merger, #reduce staff, #redundant, #employees, #evaluated, #buying company, #bald guy, #steal office furniture

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Alice, Wally, Dilbert and a man from the buying company sit at a conference table. The man says, "After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant." Wally says, "I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company." The man says, "We already have a bald guy." Dilbert asks, "Does your steal office furniture, too?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 1996's comic on:


Tags #inert, #leadership, #morale boosting, #next phase, #pending merger, #praised with fear, #rigor mortis, #unmotivated

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Dilbert stands with his arms extended and says to the Boss, "I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger." Dilbert continues, "Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert." Dilbert says, "I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, rigor mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!!" The Boss walks away thinking, "It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 16, 1996's comic on:


Tags #access, #due dilogence, #information, #maniacal laughter, #merger, #phase, #proprietary

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The Boss sits across from two men from the buying company who are sitting on a couch. One man says, "In the 'due diligence' phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information." The Boss asks, "Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us competitively? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a cent?" As the two men struggle to control themselves, they think, "Must . . . contain maniacal . . . laugh . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 17, 1996's comic on:


Tags #class action law suit, #due diligence, #good employees, #merger, #projects are doomed, #secrets, #worth something

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The caption says, "'Due diligence' before the merger." Alice sits at a table with a man who says, "You must reveal your secrets so my company knows what it's buying." Alice points to some documents in a binder and says, "All of our projects are doomed. Most of the good employees left. Our customers are starting a class action suit . . ." The man says, "At least the building is worth something." Alice points to her throat and says, "If you feel a tickle, that's asbestos."