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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 09, 2007's comic on:


Tags #heals itself, #sales engineer, #sales rep, #totally true, #truth vs.lies, #questions

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Sales Engineer "Your sales rep told us that the product heals itself. Is that true?" Dilbert: It's totally true...that he said that. sales engineer: Let me ask this another way... Dilbert: NOOO!!! One way per question!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2011's comic on:


Tags #depression (mental state), #despair, #unfulfilled, #totally worthless, #coffee maker, #breakroom, #distract

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Asok: I am unfulfilled at my job. When does that feeling go away? Dilbert: Asok, you shouldn't think you're totally worthless. Asok: Um... I didn't say I was worthless. Dilbert: I'm trying to take your mind off of the other thing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 28, 2011's comic on:


Tags #annoyance, #cruelty, #impossible, #totally worthless, #vacations

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Alice: It's impossible to get anything done this time of year because everyone who isn't totally worthless is on vacation. Dilbert: None taken.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 01, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #marriage, #fist of work, #feel the wrath, #totally legal, #eye canons, #single, #higher setting, #politically incorrect

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Alice: I have been informed that it is politically incorrect to use my fist of death at work. So fell the wrath of my totally legal eye cannons! Noise: Budddabudda!! Asok: Gaa!! Alice: Oops. I didn't know you were single. Married guys can take a higher setting.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"Alice, I've been told that you ignore your team's assignments and work on things that aren't your job." "That's true. I do important things instead of useless things assigned by clueless nimrods." "You totally ruined this meeting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 2007's comic on:


Tags #flipped out, #acts normal, #totally flipped, #punch her sane

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Tina: Dilbert totally flipped out when I showed him the cost estimates. Alice: "Really? Or is this one of those cases where someone acts normally and you inexplicably tell the world that they totally flipped out?" Tina: "Whoa! Don't flip out." Alice: "I wonder if I can punch her sane."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 21, 2012's comic on:


Tags #diseases, #employees, #frustration, #new bad apple, #joining project, #full disclosure, #totally contagious, #immune, #worms

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Coworker: I'm the new bad apple. I'll be joining your project. In the interest of full disclosure, this is totally contagious. Wally: I'm immune, but not for reasons I'm proud of. Coworker: You must be Wally.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 2014's comic on:


Tags #best advice, #insignificant advice, #worst advice, #be true to yourself, #doesn't mean anything

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Boss: The best advice anyone ever gave me was "be true to yourself." Dilbert: That literally doesn't mean anything. Wally: I usually don't like to get involved, but you make me curious what the worst advice was.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 07, 2014's comic on:


Tags #correct data, #incorrect data, #interactions with boss, #questioning, #totally accurate, #desk, #computer, #office

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Boss: Are you sure the data you gave me is correct? Dilbert: I've been giving you incorrect data for years. This is the first time you've asked. Boss: What? Dilbert: I said the data is totally accurate.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 20, 2014's comic on:


Tags #engineers, #joking, #practical jokes, #sex appeal, #sexiness, #honor, #practical joke, #evil genius, #cleverly, #concealed, #true identity, #sit on rocks

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Dilbert: I was named one of the sexiest engineers in the world! Dogbert: That honor sounds like a practical joke perpetrated by an evil genius who cleverly concealed his true identity. Dilbert: Nah. Dogbert: And I bet he likes to sit on rocks.