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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 09, 1999's comic on:


Tags #lawsuit, #against company, #truth, #usual engineering, #no one understands, #whistleblower, #sound the same

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The boss stands behind Dilbert's cubicle. The boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to testify in the lawsuit against our company." The boss says, "Tell the truth, but do it in your usual engineering way so that no one understands you." Dilbert says, "Actually, I've decidedd to be a whistle-blower." The boss says, "Whatever. It'll all sound the same!"

Engineering

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Engineering - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 23, 2014's comic on:


Tags #engineers, #hiring, #negativity, #personality tests, #resumes, #special algorithms, #personality, #stupidity, #engineering, #psychology

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Catbert: No one looks at resumes anymore. Now we use special algorithms to see where your personality fits in our culture. Man: That process sounds like a steaming pile of stupidity that will beat itself to death in a few years. Catbert: I'll start you in engineering. You'll fit right in.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 2011's comic on:


Tags #prejudice, #universities & colleges, #updating employee profiles, #school. indian institute of technology, #double major, #engineering, #false humility, #combined thesis, #terraformed planet

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Carol says, "Hey, Asok. I'm updating our employee profiles. Where'd you go to school?" Asok says, "I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology in Lucknow with a double major in engineering and physics, and a minor in false humility." Asok says, "For my combined thesis I terraformed a planet in another dimension and didn't tell anyone." Carol says, "I'll put 'Indian.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 27, 2011's comic on:


Tags #engineering issues, #enginner, #not a linquist, #vague requests, #faith in humanity

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Woman says, "Wally, can you review this for any engineering issues?" Wally says, "What issues do you think it has?" Woman says, "I don't know. I'm not an engineer." Wally says, "Your request is too vague. You need to tell me what issues I'm looking for!" Woman says, "Did you just ask me to do what I just asked you to do?" Wally says, "I don't know. I'm an engineer, not a linguist." Woman says, "I've suddenly lost all faith in humanity!" Wally says, "On the plus side, you found an issue."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 04, 2011's comic on:


Tags #writing, #writing systems, #press relese, #vp of engineering, #personal resons, #speculate, #bieber fever, #write fiction

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Boss: Tina, all I wanted you to say in the press release is that our VP of engineering is leaving for personal reasons. You didn't need to speculate on the reasons. Let's lost the part about "Bieber Fever." Tina: Everyone thinks it's easy to write fiction.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 16, 2011's comic on:


Tags #customer survey data, #marketing, #design, #engineering secret, #business

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The customer survey data is for marketing eyes only. design the next release and we'll tell you if its what everyone wanted. How long will it take? Dilbert: Thats an engineering secret.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 24, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #retail business, #sales trip, #dont talk, #misleading impression, #engineering support, #after sale, #bag of meat, #lying bag of meat

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Boss: I need you to come with me on a sales trip, but don't talk to the customer. Your presence is needed to give a misleading impression of how much engineering support we plan to offer after the sale. Dilbert: So I'm nothing but a bag of meat? Boss: No. You're a lying bag of meat.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 02, 1989's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #mysteries, #china, #great wall of china, #armies, #engineering, #flop

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit outdoors. Dilbert says, "And another of life's mysteries is, why do they call it the 'Great Wall of China?'" Dilbert continues, "It never really kept any invading armies out . . . Kind of a dismal flop from an engineering perspective." Dogbert says, "I don't think 'The Dismal Flop of China' would have the same tourist appeal." Dilbert replies, "I wouldn't pay to see it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 28, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #engineering, #newsletter, #interesting, #pathos, #human, #drama, #Dogbert, #tissues

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Dilbert sits at his desk. Dilbert thinks, "I've got to make the engineering newsletter more interesting." Dilbert thinks, "It needs pathos and human drama." Dilbert reads from a printout, "How to cope with the loss of loved data . . ." Dogbert says, "Wait . . . I better get some tissues."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 07, 2012's comic on:


Tags #ventriloquism, #discrepancy, #resume, #degree in engineering, #certification in puppetry, #diploma and bait shop

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Boss: One of our major investors found a discrepancy on your resume. You claim to have a degree in engineering, but in reality you have a certification in puppetry from a place called... Evelyn's Diploma and Bait Shop. CEO: The board has faith in our CEO.