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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 08, 2005's comic on:


Tags #work well, #superviuson, #vague objectives, #recognition, #contribution, #excited by criticism

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The Boss: Can you work well without supervision? Candidate: "Yes! I thrive on vague objectives and a complete lack of recognition for my contribution!" The Boss: "Can you handle criticism?" Candidate: "I'm not too proud to say it excites me!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 13, 2001's comic on:


Tags #carol, #connections in war zones, #flights, #good rating, #humilation, #parkside strangler, #phone messages, #press conference, #secretary, #vague objectives, #complaining

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Carol sits across from the Boss, who says, "Carol, your overall performance rating is 'good.'" Carol screams, "AAAG! Good is bad! What did I do to deserve this humiliation?" The Boss replies, "Well, you gave me six hundred phone messages that said, 'It might have been Bob.'" Carol furiously replies, "You can't tell me that none of them were from a Bob." The Boss continues, "You arranged for all of my flights to have connections in war zones." Carol throws up her arms and says, "Excuse me for trying to save the company some money." The Boss says, "You held a press conference to announce that I was the Parkside Strangler." Later, Carol tells Wally, "And he refuses to take any responsibility for giving me vague objectives."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 08, 2013's comic on:


Tags #apathy, #managers & supervisors, #new strategy, #engineers, #middle manager, #glue, #binds, #vague objectives

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Carol: What did our CEO have to say? Boss: He has a new strategy, but it seems vague. Carol: What will the engineers think about it? Boss: They don't care about this stuff. Carol: What exactly does a middle manager do? Boss: We're the glue that binds the apathy to the vague objectives.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 22, 2004's comic on:


Tags #objectives are vague, #unmeasurable, #not inspired, #achieve full ptential, #bad job

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"I am concerned because my objectivess are vague and unmeasurable." "As a result, I am not inspired to achieve my full potential... and... um..." "Did I just say I'm doing a bad job and ask you to punish me?" "That's what I heard."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 13, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #engineers, #lust, #pon farr cycle, #irreversible urge, #mating season, #engineer mating season, #spawn, #prodcut, #unnecessary steps, #rarely happens, #specifications, #vague

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Tina says, "Did you hear that Dilbert and Alice are on the same Pon Farr cycle?" Carol says, "What?" Tina says, "Every seven years, engineers have an irresistible urge to mate. Their spawn would be the product of two engineers." There's a reason it rarely happens Dilbert says, "Your plan has unnecessary steps!" Alice says, "Your specifications are vague!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 27, 2011's comic on:


Tags #engineering issues, #enginner, #not a linquist, #vague requests, #faith in humanity

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Woman says, "Wally, can you review this for any engineering issues?" Wally says, "What issues do you think it has?" Woman says, "I don't know. I'm not an engineer." Wally says, "Your request is too vague. You need to tell me what issues I'm looking for!" Woman says, "Did you just ask me to do what I just asked you to do?" Wally says, "I don't know. I'm an engineer, not a linguist." Woman says, "I've suddenly lost all faith in humanity!" Wally says, "On the plus side, you found an issue."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 27, 2012's comic on:


Tags #money, #budget, #last year objectives, #huge loss, #bottomline, #punish siuccess, #startegy, #management

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Boss: We've been asked to cut our budget by 30%. Dilbert: That doesn't make sense. We met all of our objectives last year. Boss: A different part of our company had a huge loss. Dilbert: Shouldn't you cut their budget, not ours? Boss: Their budget isn't big enough to make a difference to the bottom line. Dilbert: So our strategy is to punish success, and reward failure? Boss: Just do your job and leave the strategy to management. Dilbert: Hypothetically, if I do my job poorly, would that be good or bad for me?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 29, 2012's comic on:


Tags #goals, #nailing them, #unspoken objectives, #goals never mentioned

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Boss: How are you doing in your unspoken objectives? Dilbert: My what? Boss: I'm referring to the goals I have in my mind that I've never mentioned. How are those going? Dilbert: I'm totally nailing them.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 05, 1994's comic on:


Tags #benefits, #define reality, #half the cost, #keep objectives, #rewrite business case, #cut funding

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The Boss: I decided to cut your project funding in half but keep the objectives the same. Its a brilliant plan, We get all the benefits at half the costs! Dilbert: Why is it that the nuttiest people define reality? The boss: and why couldn't I rewrite the business case to increase revenue?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 01, 1995's comic on:


Tags #write objectives, #sculpt disparate pieces, #elegant tapestry, #business plan, #clay tapestry, #quote boss, #clueless

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The Boss, Wally, Alice and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "Each of you will write your objectives and give them to me." The Boss continues, "Then I will sculpt these disparate pieces of clay into an elegant tapestry which will be our business plan." Alice asks, "Our business plan will be like a clay tapestry?" The Boss says, "Feel free to quote me."