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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #crimes, #gadgets, #inventions, #world class invenotr, #invented prodcuts, #key memeber, #fired for stealing, #stuff to steal, #high five, #hits boss

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Boss: I hired a world-class inventor. Meet Toby. When he worked for our competitor, he invented their coolest product. Toby: I was just a member of a team. Boss: A key member! Toby: Until they fired me for stealing. Wally: You came to the right place. We have tons of stuff to steal and no one ever gets caught! Toby: Give me a high five with a boss head in the middle! Noise: SLAP! Toby: That's the only thing I ever invented. Wally: Have you seen our storage closet?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 27, 1995's comic on:


Tags #benchmark, #world class companies, #compare, #verbs, #nouns, #assign, #engineers, #field research, #pointy haired idioits

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The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, I want you to benchmark these world-class companies. Find out how we compare." Alice responds, "I'm betting they don't make verbs out of nouns. And I'll bet they don't assign engineers to do field research." Alice talks on the phone in her office. She asks, "Do you guys have any pointy-haired idiots running your place? . . . Would you like one?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 28, 1995's comic on:


Tags #benchmarked, #five world class companies, #comparisons, #irrelevant, #industries, #potato chip, #develop software, #oil chips

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Alice points to a display created by a laptop and overhead projector. She says, "As you requested, I benchmarked our company against five world-class companies." Alice continues, "The comparisons are irrelevant because we're in different industries. But that didn't stop me." The Boss asks, "Why can they make a potato chip in one second but it takes up months to develop software?" Alice answers, "I think they oil the chips."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 17, 1994's comic on:


Tags #make a suggestion, #idea rat, #multi disciplinary forces, #processes

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The Boss, Dilbert, Alice, Ratbert and Ted sit at a conference table. Ratbert asks, "Excuse me . . . I'm only an intern, but may I make a suggestion?" Ratbert says, "Let's form multidisciplinary task forces to reengineer our core processes until we're a world class organization!" The Boss says, "Sounds good. Go do it." Ratbert says, "I'm more of an idea rat."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 30, 2003's comic on:


Tags #manager of executive compensation, #plan to steal, #meeting, #back slapping, #pormises, #raises, #ponys, #vacations, #huge raise

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Boss: "I'd like you to meet Bradley, our new manager of executive compensation." Boss: "Bradley's job is to recommend to our board how much to pay company executives such as me." "Bradley is totally objective." Bradley: "Totally." "That was a world-class observation, so I'll recommend that the company buy you a pony." "...A STRONG pony to carry the huge bags of cash I recommend for you." Boss: "Good work, Bradley. I'll recommend to the board that you get a huge raise!" Dilbert: "Gaaa!! Stop pretending to have reasons!! Just steal the stupid money!!!" Boss: "See what I have to deal with every day?" Bradley: "Would an extra month of vacation reduce the sting?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 06, 2015's comic on:


Tags #logic, #reasoning, #managing, #managers, #leadership, #quality, #absurd

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Dilbert: You assigned a pack of idiots to my project team. Boss: We can't afford to hire good people. Dilbert: How am I supposed to create world-class products with a team of disruptive idiots? Boss: Try working extra hard. Dilbert: You want us to be more energetic about our bad decisions? Boss: You also have to put in the hours. Dilbert: Are you saying bad decisions, plus long hours, plus lots of enthusiasm, produces great engineering? Boss: Not if you stand around yacking about it all day.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 29, 2011's comic on:


Tags #conversation, #employees, #executives, #on line class, #develop charisma, #change the world, #die from stree, #health issues

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Boss: I'm taking an online class to develop my charisma. Dilbert: Let's see a sample. Boss: Do what I say and you can change the world while you die from stress-related health issues! That felt right. Dilbert: You nailed it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 16, 1995's comic on:


Tags #conquer the world, #secret handshake, #identify people, #new ruling class, #stick out tongue, #vinously slp, #face, #slap

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Dogbert sits on the couch backrest and Ratbert stands on the armrest. Dogbert says, "When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class." Dogbert says, "Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face." As Ratbert slaps himself, Dogbert says, "The people who aren't doing that will be identified as my new ruling class."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 26, 2001's comic on:


Tags #evolution class, #two day course, #surfing student, #cocky squirrel, #janiotr, #three thousand pound squirrel

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Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting at the kitchen table, having cereal and coffee. Dilbert is still in his bathrobe. Dogbert says, "By the end of my two-day evolution class I had one surviving student." Dogbert continues as Dilbert raises his coffee cup, "He's probably the cockiest squirrel I've ever seen. Toward the end he weighed three thousand pounds." Dogbert continues as Dilbert takes a sip, "If you asked me who's the unluckiest person in the world, I'd have to say it was the janitor."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 18, 2011's comic on:


Tags #big business, #business ethics, #class, #more efficient, #government contract, #stuffed deer

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Dilbert: This class will make me more efficient. Boss: I don't want you to be more efficient. You're working on a government contract and billing by the hour. Now go bill them for the time you stood here and stared at me like a stuffed deer.