Search Results for "young employees"

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 1999's comic on:


Tags #raises, #young employees, #few dollars, #buy small motorcyel, #crack cocaine, #be your mentor, #tickle my own fett, #perfect sat

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss sits across from Asok. The boss says, "Asok, I can't give raises to young employees." The boss says, "Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket..." The boss says, "You buy small motorcycles a disappear in the night." The boss says, "I know that's a generalization." The boss says, "Some of you prefer the crack cocaine." Asok is mad. The boss says, "The good new is that I'm willing to be your mentor." Asok gets up and screams. Asok says, "Aaagh! I got double eight hundreds on my SAT!!! For what?!!" The boss walks Asok out. The boss says, "Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I tickle my own feet."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 23, 2000's comic on:


Tags #cash balance, #pension plan, #make more competetive, #good for young emplyees, #not good for old, #change back

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally, Catbet, Dilbert, Alice and Asok are in a meeting. Catbert says: "We're changing to a cash balance pension plan." Catbert says: "It will make the company much more competitive." Asok is sitting between an elder co-worker and Alice, Asok says: "Yippee!!! A cash balance plan is good for young employees!" The older employee stands up and says angrily to Asok: "Oh, yeah? Well it's not so good for me!" The older employee says: "I demand that you change it back!" Asok screams: "No!" The older employee throws himself on top of Asok who raises his arms in defense. The older employee says: "I'll snap you like a dried twig, you little zygote!" Asok says: "Ouch! Stop clubbing me with your artificial hip!!" Wally, Catbert and Dilbert watch the fight with no reaction. Wally says to Catbert and Dilbert: "On the plus side, they do seem more competitive."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 16, 1996's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #career counselor, #enough people quit, #best startegy, #convince coworkers, #video, #exact moment, #life force, #leaves body

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally sits across from Dogbert's desk and Dogbert sits on the desk. Dogbert says, "The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first." Dogbert continues, "Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable." Wally shines a flashlight on Asok and points a video camera at him. Wally says, "We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture the exact moment that your life force leaves your body."

13 Percent Employees Engaged

Thank you for voting.
13 Percent Employees Engaged - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 23, 2015's comic on:


Tags #employee, #employees, #engagement, #motivation, #global survey, #engaged at work

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: A global survey says only 13% of employees feel engaged at work. Dilbert: If you're wondering which one of your employees is engaged, it's this guy. Boss: We need ten more just like him. Dilbert: I think I just figured out what's wrong with the rest of us.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 03, 2011's comic on:


Tags #executives, #interviews, #ceo's interview series, #company priftable, #credit, #overpaid and useless, #dumb employees, #highest bidder, #blackmail, #interview

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert says, "I don't like people." Dogbert says, "What makes your company so profitable?" CEO says, "I give all of the credit to our fine employees." Dogbert says, "Is that another way of saying you're overpaid and useless?" CEO says, "Um... no. I'm their leader. I set the direction." Dogbert says, "Because the employees are too dumb to set their own direction?" CEO says, "No! They're smart!" Dogbert says, "But not as smart as you?" CEO says, "Who's going to see this?" Dogbert says, "No one, assuming you're the highest bidder." Dogbert's CEO Interview Series

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #computers & peripherals, #language, #no longer undertsnd, #employees, #to of touch, #technology, #gravitons, #warp drive, #rebalanced, #subspace responders

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: I no longer understand anything my employees say. I must be so out of touch with technology that I don't even recognize the words. Wally: I flushed the gravitons out of the warp drive and rebalanced the subspace responders.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 11, 2011's comic on:


Tags #competition (psychology), #inventions, #facebook, #robot arm, #talented employees, #giant condescending facebook

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert says, "Facebook has created a giant robot arm to steal talented employees from other companies." Catbert says, "It's here!!!" Catbert says, "No, it looks like we got the giant condescending Facebook robot arm instead."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 10, 2011's comic on:


Tags #money, #prices, #aggressive jerks, #underpaid nerdling, #give her a raise, #nice employees

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I read that aggressive jerks get paid more than nice employees. Alice: Step aside, underpaid nerdling! Boss: Remind me to give her a raise, and I don't know why.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 15, 2012's comic on:


Tags #big business, #budget, #contract employees, #training budget, #training, #contractor budget

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 30, 2012's comic on:


Tags #dieting & weight control, #funerals, #bereavement policy, #days off, #dies young, #grocery shop, #conflict

View Transcript

Transcript

Carol: I've been reading our bereavement policy and I found a problem. I get three days off if my husband eats nothing but unhealthy food and dies young. And I'm the one who does our grocery shopping. Boss: Sounds like a conflict of interest. Carol: I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it.