January 2021 Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Cock Fights

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Cock Fights - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #business ethics, #audit, #disturbing, #results, #sales, #department, #cockfight, #invitation, #rooster

View Transcript

Transcript

dogbert: my audit of your company has uncovered many disturbing things. for example, did you know that the sales department holds cockfights on the third floor every tuesday? boss: why have i never been invited? dogbert: you're not a rooster.

Audit Blackmail

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Audit Blackmail - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #business, #audit, #software, #blackmail, #free, #network, #money, #dollars

View Transcript

Transcript

dogbert: my audit of your company has uncovered a number of software vulnerabilities. for example, a blackmailer could take control of your network and make you pay a billion dollars to get it back. ceo: good work. what do we owe you? dogbert: the audit is free. i only did it to find ways to blackmail you.

Increasing Training Budget

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Increasing Training Budget - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #office workers, #budget, #training, #research & development, #company, #bankrupt

View Transcript

Transcript

boss to tina: i'm planning to increase the budget for training by fifty percent next year. tina to dilbert: he didn't say anything about the other budgets. dilbert to wally: he didn't say anything about the budget for research and development. wally to alice: sounds like he's phasing out research and development. alice to asok: he wouldn't phase out research and development unless he knows the company is failing. asok to carol: the company must be going bankrupt. carol to boss: the company is bankrupt. boss thinking: i guess i don't need to increase the training budget.

Loser Dna

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Loser Dna  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #performance, #review, #dna, #lying, #test, #impossible

View Transcript

Transcript

catbird: from now on, your performance reviews will be based on your dna alone. your boss can't tell when you are lying about you accomplishments, but a simple test can tell me if you have loser dna. dilbert: i don't believe that is possible. catbird: that response is how i know you have it your test is done.

Dna Says Wally Will Steal

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Dna Says Wally Will Steal - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #psychology, #dna, #steal, #office supplies, #junk, #science, #experts, #listen

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert: wally, according to your dna, the odds of you stealing office supplies later this week are nearly 100%. wally: that sounds like junk science. catbert to boss: he refuses to listen to experts.

They Said You'd Say That

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
They Said You'd Say That - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #office workers, #government, #bald, #people, #camps, #internment camp, #believe, #false

View Transcript

Transcript

tina: i saw on the news that the government plans to round up all bald people and out them in camps. wally: you should be embarrassed for believing a story so obviously false. tina: they said you'd say that.

Incoming Message

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Incoming Message - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #distraction, #technology, #business, #text, #message, #phone, #respond

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert: ...so what we need to do... phone on table: ding dilbert: okay, now you're only pretending to listen to me because your mind is on that incoming text message. would you like to look at it and respond? alice: only if you don't think you can wrap this up in fifteen seconds or so.

Sales To Elbonia

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Sales To Elbonia - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #government policy, #sales, #sale, #elbonia, #government, #ban, #accomplices

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: i'm happy to announce that we just made a huge sale in elbonia. dilbert: are you aware that last week our government banned all sales to elbonia? boss: before you go blabbing that all over the place remember that all of you are accomplices.

Bribe One Judge

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Bribe One Judge - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #business ethics, #consumer, #lawsuit, #assignment, #judge, #bribe, #lawyer, #insult

View Transcript

Transcript

dogbert to boss: you have over seven hundred consumer lawsuits filed against you. if i can get them all assigned to the same judge, you only have to bribe one person. boss: are you even a lawyer? dogbert: heavens, no, and i didn't come here to be insulted.

Recurring Charges

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Recurring Charges - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #technology, #cancel, #online, #charges, #information, #automated phone system, #contact, #website, #microphone

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert at home: i'm going to try to cancel some recurring online charges today. wish me luck. dogbert: what resistance are you expecting? dilbert: obviously, they hide their contact information, so i allocated two hours to find the right phone number. it should take about an hour to navigate their automated phone system that will keep sending me to the wrong place. if i reach a human, he'll try to divert me to their website to cancel, which i already know won't work because... ...i won't be able to find my account in their system for reasons no one will ever be able to explain. and of course, their phone support person will be using a headset microphone that garbles his already mumbled words. dogbert: but if you stick with it, you will eventually succeed? dilbert: i don't know were you got that idea.