November 2017 Comic Strips - Page 1

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

If We Are Off By One Percent

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
If We Are Off By One Percent - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags projection, prediction, finances, big business, guess, estimate, obliviousness

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: According to my highly unreliable forecast, we're on the right track. But if even one of my seventeen assumptions is off by one percent, we are doomed. The obvious conclusion is that... Board: We're nailing it!

Worthless Financial Projections

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Worthless Financial Projections - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags money, finances, big business, projection, prediction, guessing, estimate

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Here's the financial projection you asked me to do. It's basically just guessing plus math. Obviously, it's useless for making decisions because I can get any result I want by tweaking the assumptions. Boss: Don't say any of that stuff when you present it to the board tomorrow.

Financial Forecaster Quit

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Financial Forecaster Quit - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags big business, money, projection, prediction, Advice

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Our financial forecaster quit. I need you to fill in for him. Dilbert: I don't know how to do financial forecasts. Boss: Neither did he. Dilbert: How were you making decisions? Boss: It's better if we don't excavate that septic tank.

Robot Can Take Boss's Job

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Robot Can Take Boss's Job  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers, boss, work, ai, artificial intelligence, automation

View Transcript

Transcript

Robot: I wonder whose job I'll take first. Boss: You could never do my job. Robot: I'm doing it right now. Boss: You're not doing anything. Robot: Right. Let that sink in.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags negotiation, demand, haggle, prices, pricing, negotiate

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Negotiate with your vendor and get the price down. Dilbert: I don't know how to negotiate. I'm an engineer. Boss: It's simple. All you need to do is make an aggressive first demand and settle for less. Dilbert: How aggressive are we talking about here? Boss: The more aggressive the better. Dilbert: That doesn't sound right. Boss: Trust me. More is better. Dilbert: My opening demand is that you name me as a beneficiary on your life insurance police, mow my lawn, and die in traffic on the way home. Boss: You got the price down by 35 percent. Dilbert: I really hoped it wouldn't work.

Threatening Wally

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Threatening Wally - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags laziness, excuse, threat, ultimatum

View Transcript

Transcript

Woman: Wally, did you finish the data scrub? Wally: No, a defect in my brain made me too lazy. Woman: Perhaps some sort of threat would get you going. Wally: It's worth a try. Woman: Do your work or else I'll tell everyone you're useless! Wally: That would save me a lot of time.

Brain Scan

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Brain Scan - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags brain, thinking, cognition, personality, abnormality, psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: My doctor says my laziness is caused by a brain abnormality. Dilbert: Doesn't everyone in the world have a unique brain that determines what they do? Boss: Is he right about that? Wally: I'd have to see his brain scan. Sounds like a tumor.

Doctor Will Operate

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Doctor Will Operate - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags laziness, happiness, satisfaction, aspirations, psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Doctor: The MRI shows unusual activity in the laziness region of your brain. Normally, I would recommend brain surgery, but your brain also registers an unusually high level of happiness. Wally: So... how do we handle this? Doctor: I'm going to operate on myself to make me more like you.

Wally Not Motivated

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Wally Not Motivated - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags laziness, motivation, behavior, medical, treatment, blame, accountability, psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I need to take a medical leave to recover from my crippling laziness. Boss: Laziness is a behavior problem, not a medical problem. Wally: That would suggest you have not motivated me enough. Boss: Can't be that. It sounds more like you're dying.

Wally Is A Maverick

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Wally Is A Maverick - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags health, standing desks, standing, sitting, laziness

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I like to think of myself as a maverick. Let the trendy people brag about their standing desks. I haven't stood in a week. Dilbert: I have some bad news about your health risks. Wally: Should I sit down to hear it?