November 2019 Comic Strips - Page 2

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

The Best Way To Succeed

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
The Best Way To Succeed - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, office workers, success, delegate

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: the best way to succeed in this world is through hard work dilbert: is that the way you did it? boss: no, i used the second-best way dilbert: which is... boss: making other people work hard

Workflow Training

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Workflow Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, office workers, system, technology, training, new

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: has everyone taken the new workflow system training? alice: yes, and we all concluded the new system is poorly designed and should be abandoned. boss: sounds like you need more training. alice: i meant to say we love the new system

Not Humanly Possible

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Not Humanly Possible - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, office workers, budget, workflow, procedure, impossible, useful

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: i can't approve your budget because you didn't follow the seventeen-step workflow procedure. dilbert: it is not humanly possible to follow the company workflow procedure and also accomplish anything useful. boss: would it help if i add a few steps? dilbert: yes, if you have to go back to your office to do it.

Attending A Funeral

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Attending A Funeral - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, time off, funeral, sick, unsympathetic

View Transcript

Transcript

carol talking to distracted boss on cell phone: can i take the day off to attend a funeral? boss: sure. i didn't even know you were sick. carol: it's not my own funeral. boss: oh. in that case, no.

Stay Home When Sick

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Stay Home When Sick - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, healthy, sick, sneeze, infect, deadlines

View Transcript

Transcript

dilbert: maybe you should stay home when you are sick. alice sneezing: honk! i will, but first i need to infect the rest of you so i'm not the only one missing deadlines. can you hold this for me? (passes off tissue to dilbert)

Help Me With Something

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Help Me With Something - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, compensation, system, incentive, budget, limit, smart, business

View Transcript

Transcript

male office worker: can you help me with something? dilbert: no, our employee compensation system incentivizes me to let you fail so i can lay claim to a larger share of our limited budget for raises. maybe you could ask someone who is less aware. office worker: none of them are smart enough to help.

Dilbert Gets A Mentor

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Dilbert Gets A Mentor - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, Advice, mentor, productivity, operations, vice president, pressure, trick

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: i heard you asked our v.p. of operations to be your mentor. why didn't you tell me you needed some mentoring? i'm full of useful advice. dilbert: such as? boss: well... not you're putting me on the spot. it's hard to think of advice while you're pressuring me. maybe you could give me a scenario, and then i'll tell you what to do. dilbert: okay, suppose my boss is ruining my productivity by yammering about his great advice. what can i do? boss: that feels like a trick question. dilbert: our v.p. of operations could answer it.

Boss Helps

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Boss Helps - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, project, deadline, interruption, business, new, task, priority

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: why isn't your project done yet? dilbert: because every time i walk past your office you give me three new tasks and tell men they are my highest priority. boss: i was hoping you didn't know why. dilbert: hire someone dumber next time.

Meeting To Decide When To Meet

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Meeting To Decide When To Meet - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, meeting, schedule, thursday, berate

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: i need everyone to come to the thursday meeting so we can decide when to schedule our next meeting. dilbert: why don't we just have the meeting on thursday? dilbert: see me later, so i can berate you for saying that. dilbert: do we need a meeting to schedule that?

Elbonian Spy

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Elbonian Spy - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, elbonian, spy, engineers, economy, intellectual, property, collaborate

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: i hired an elbonian spy who, i assume, will try to steal our intellectual property. it's hard to find good engineers in this economy, so that is a risk i am willing to take. dilbert, i'd like you to collaborate with him. dilbert: can we call it something else?