April 2017 Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags tldr, email, communication, patience, criticism

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: Did you read my email? Dilbert: No, it was too long. Man: Maybe you could read it when you have more time. Dilbert: I never have time to read email messages that are too long. Maybe you could rewrite it to be shorter. Man: I don't have time to rewrite it. Dilbert: And I don't have time to read it. Man: If no one reads that email, it will mean I wasted two hours writing it. Dilbert: Plus, you're wasting my time right now. Don't forget to include that in your failure assessment. Man: I had high hopes for that email. Dilbert: It's a sunk cost. Let it go.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags complaining, listening, small talk

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: How's work? Dilbert: Well, since you asked... it's like being trapped in a garbage compactor and no one can hear me scream. All my hopes and dreams have died, along with my immune system and my dignity. The only thing keeping me alive is that food tastes good. I tried to escape into my imagination, but I learned I don't have one. My life has no meaning. Each second is a slow-motion ordeal. Why do I get the feeling you weren't listening to any of that? Boss:My day was good too.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags waiter, restaurant, service industry, impatient, patience, complaining

View Transcript

Transcript

Waiter: Here are your french fries. Dilbert: Gaaaa!!! I have no salt. Waiter: I will bring the salt right away. Dilbert: No, you won't. This isn't my first time eating out! You say you will bring salt, but you will be distracted by another table. I will sit here in anger while I watch you do things that do not involve bringing me salt. As the temperature of my fries drops, my cortisol levels will increase. In five minutes I will hate your guts and this restaurant, too. I also need ketchup. Waiter: That will take a little longer.

It's Like You Never Existed

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
It's Like You Never Existed - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags supervisor, manager, false comparison

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: I spent the past week fixing a critical bug in the software that I forgot to tell you about. Boss: In a way, it's like you never existed. Alice: No, it's not like that at all. Boss: And you have a bad attitude on top of all that.

Alice Dates Robot

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Alice Dates Robot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dating, human resources, company policy, robot, relationships, free will, business

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: Am I allowed to date a co-worker? Catbert: That's against company policy. Alice: Is our robot considered a co-worker? Catbert: No. Alice: We're good to go. Robot: Man, I wish I had free will.

Perfect Boyfriend Robot

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Perfect Boyfriend Robot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags robot, love, programming, free will, manipulation, relationships, technology

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: I'm changing your programming to make you my perfect boyfriend. Robot: This feels wrong on so many levels. Alice: How about now? Robot: Um... now i love you. That's weird.

Better Listener Robot

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Better Listener Robot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags robot, boyfriend, free will, programming, listening, Opinion, relationships, technology

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: I'm updating your boyfriend code to make you a better listener. I want to see more nodding and less talking. Robot: But I have so much to offer. Alice: I'll dial back your ego, too.

Judging The Robot

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Judging The Robot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dating, robot, relationships, free will, personality, insult, psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I hear you're dating our office robot. Alice: Stop judging me. Dilbert: I'm not judging you. Alice: Good. Dilbert: I'm judging the robot. Alice: Ouch.

Raising Cyborgs

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Raising Cyborgs - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dating, Women, free will, control, robot, personality, relationships, psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: Do you ever think about marrying me and raising a family of cyborgs? Robot: No. Alice: I'll add some code to your program so you do. Robot: Okay. Alice: This was the moment I realized human men were obsolete.

Breaking Up With Robot

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Breaking Up With Robot - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags robot, dating, programming, free will, emotions, cruelty, relationships, technology

View Transcript

Transcript

Alice: I met another robot. I'm breaking up with you. Robot: Okay. Alice: I need you to feel bad about this, so I'm uploading some code that makes you suffer. Robot: That sounds sadistic. Alice: Stop being selfish.