May 2016 Comic Strips - Page 3

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Managing Your Boss

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Managing Your Boss - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags management, accountability, blame, time, time management

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Boss: Your project is three weeks behind schedule. Dilbert: That's the exact amount of time I was waiting for you to answer my questions. Boss: You need to manage me better. Dilbert: Okay, you're fired.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dating, overanalyzing, asking out, relationships

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Woman: Do you want to go to dinner and a movie with me on Friday? Dilbert: That plan is poorly conceived. The best time to watch a movie is also the best time to eat. And what are the odds we want to see the same movie? You're a picky eater, so it would be a nightmare to decide where we both want to eat. One of us would have to compromise, and I assume it would be me. I'm offended by your offer to suboptimize my Friday experience. Woman: Do you have a better option? Dilbert: Nope. See you Friday.

Self Empowered Week

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Self Empowered Week - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags honesty, aspirations, work ethic, standards, guest artist, jake tapper

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CEO: I want all of you to be creative, self-empowered, and accountable. Wally: If I could do any of that stuff, why would I work here? I just find the whole thing confusing.

Boss Can't Be Your Friend

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Boss Can't Be Your Friend - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boss, double standard, employee, hierarchy, lunch, rank, guest artist, jake tapper

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Man: Do you want to go to lunch? Boss: I can't be your friend because I'm your boss. Someday I might need to fire you, and it would be awkward if we were friends. Alice: Want to go to lunch? Boss: Sure.

Recommening A Friend

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Recommening A Friend - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bribe, employee, hiring, money, referral, guest artist, jake tapper

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Boss: Do you have any friends with technical skills who you can recommend to work here? Wally: I don't have any friends, but if I did, why would I be so mean to them? Boss: You get a $1,000 bonus for referring a friend. Wally: How much for a gullible acquaintance?

Wally Gets Referral Money

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Wally Gets Referral Money - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bonus, con, deception, hiring, money, referral, scheme, guest artist, jake tapper

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Wally: Stop! Why are you here? Man: I have an interview for a job as an engineer. Wally: My name is Wally. Tell Human Resources I referred you ad I'll get a $1,000 bonus. Boss: Have you noticed that all of our new hires were referred by the same person? Catbert: Sounds like we found our Employee Of The Year!

Wally Is Employee Of The Year

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Wally Is Employee Of The Year - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cheating, referral, employment, reward, award, bonus, proof, guest artist, jake tapper

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Boss: Our Employee Of The Year is Wally, for referring so many new people to work in engineering. We believe he accomplished this feat by manipulating the referral system, but we can't prove it. So just to hedge our bet, we misspelled his name on the certificate. Wally: I had it coming.

Network Is Slow

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Network Is Slow - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bandwidth, network, speed, nsfw, videos, internet, technology

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Boss: Why is our network so slow today? Dilbert: I'll check. Okay, it seems that 75 percent of the staff is viewing inappropriate videos. Boss: That's all I wanted to do, too.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags coworkers, workspace, noise, cubicle, open floorplan, etiquette, fingernails, toenails

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Boss: Did you finish the slide deck? Alice: I tried, but it was impossible. Some idiot in a nearby cubicle was clipping his nails. It was like torture. Clip, clip, clip, clip, clip. I couldn't think with that noise polluting the office air. I thought it ended, but then I heard some shoes and socks come off. It was my worst nightmare. Boss: Okay, whatever. Wally, did you finish your tasks? Wally: I tried, but then I notice that my nails were uneven.

Smart People Are On Both Sides

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Smart People Are On Both Sides - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Politics, intelligence, appearances, perspective

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Dilbert: Have you ever noticed that there are smart people on both sides of every political issue? Boss: Maybe it only seems that way to you because you're not one of the smart ones. Dilbert: Do I seem smart? Wally: I didn't realize you were trying.