May 2021 Comic Strips - Page 3

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C Level Sacrifice

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C Level Sacrifice - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, political issues, stock market, technology, brand, board, fire, Politics, ruin, human, sacrifice, chief technology officer, performance, employment

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catbert: the board wants to fire you for speaking out about politics and ruining our brand. ceo: ask if they'll accept a c-level human sacrifice instead. catbert: they said yes. ceo: now fire my cto and tell him it's something about his performance.

Forty Minutes Late

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Forty Minutes Late - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, jerk, late, minutes, punish, sarcasm, technology, waiting, cell phone

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voice from Dilbert's cell phone: i'll be forty minutes late. dilbert: i just wasted twenty minutes waiting! why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew? voice from phone: because i knew you would be a jerk about it. so i punished you. dilbert: oh.

Million Dollar Bonuses

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Million Dollar Bonuses - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, deadline, project, million-dollar, recommendation, lying, clock, weeks, spirit, bonus, mad, finished, no, laptop, coffee

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boss: if you finish by the deadline, i'll recommend you for a million dollar bonus. dilbert: you're lying. boss: i'm serious. dilbert: but you're also lying. boss: only one way to find out. dilbert: i'd need to work around the clock for weeks to meet the deadline. boss: that's the spirit! dilbert: if you're lying about the bonus, i'm going to be boiling mad. five weeks later. dilbert: it nearly killed me, but i finished by the deadline. where's my million dollar bonus. boss: i told you i'd recommend it. they said no.

Ted Is Great But Not Enough

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Ted Is Great But Not Enough  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, comparison, managers & supervisors, performance, employment, exceptional, fired, universe, sense, complain, reverse psychology

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boss: ted, your performance this year has been exceptional. but everyone else was even better, so...you're fired. ted: in what universe does that even make sense? boss: you also complain too much.

Nominate A Coworker

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Nominate A Coworker - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, months, recommendations, co-workers, office workers, recognize, superior, work, nominated, honest, idea, coffee

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boss: two months ago, i asked you all for recommendations on co-workers who should be recognized for superior work. on day one, you all nominated yourselves. since then it has been quiet. dilbert: if i'm being honest, it wasn't one of your brightest ideas.

Opposition Research

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Opposition Research - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, business ethics, managers & supervisors, accomplishments, year, opposition, research, co-workers, ranking, employees, idea

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wally: it might seem as though i accomplished very little this year. and that's true. but i also have a trove of opposition research on my co-workers. boss: what? wally: ranking employees against one another was your best idea ever.

Dilbert Makes A Friend

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Dilbert Makes A Friend - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office, work, news, friend, social media, monster, check, fooled, posts

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dilbert and dogbert at home. dilbert: good news. i made a friend at work. dogbert: have you checked his social media posts? dilbert yelling: he's a monster! dogbert: that's why we check.

Men Are Stupid Pigs

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Men Are Stupid Pigs - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office workers, complaint, office, stupid, pigs, Men, specific, i.q., visayan warty

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tina: i have a complaint about the men in the office. catbert: all of them? tina: yes, they're all stupid pigs. catbert: can you be more specific? tina: okay, they're basically visayan warty pigs in the i.q. range of 20 to 40.

Chewing A Pen

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Chewing A Pen - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags technology, business, video call, camera, chewing, pen, house, nose, address

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alice on video call. alice: please stop leaning into the camera while chewing the end of your pen. it makes me want to drive to your house and shove that pen up your nose. male office worker: but you won't do that, right? alice: what's your address?

Frequent Victims Club

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Frequent Victims Club - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, join, frequent, victim, club, beverage, minute, dollar, track, purchases, sell, data, colleagues, stores, customer, servey

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man with red apron: would you like to join our frequent victims club? dilbert: no, i just want to buy this beverage. man: you could save a dollar if you join now. it only takes a minute. dilbert: i don't want you tracking my purchases and selling my data. man: i you don't sign up, my colleagues and i will pester you to do it every time you try to buy something. dilbert: i'll take my business elsewhere! man: no. you won't. because other stores are just as bad as we are. dilbert: i am not a victim! man: tell that to the customer survey i'm about to pester you into doing.