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Character
Thursday July 31,
2014
Tags #mergers & acquisitions, #start up, #45 hours, #mandatory online training, #seven customers
Transcript
Boss: We got Randy by buying his start-up. Randy, Dilbert will show you how to access our 45 hours of mandatory online training. Randy: I quit. Boss: Well, at least we still have his start-up. Dilbert: And all seven of its customers, too.
Wednesday July 30,
2014
Tags #engineers, #relations between the sexes, #silicon valley startup, #socially awkward, #seen a woman, #four years, #scalable architecture
Transcript
Boss: We bought a Silicon Valley start-up just to get the engineers. Be gentle with them. They're socially awkward and they haven't seen a woman in four years. Coworker: Who's up for a debate about scalable architecture followed by some spawning.
Tuesday July 29,
2014
Tags #avarice, #business ethics, #stock market, #stock split, #dumb stock holders, #fantastic prodcuts, #money
Transcript
CEO: The board has voted to do a stock split. It came down to a choice between creating fantastic products or attracting dumber stockholders. One of those two things is easy.
Monday July 28,
2014
Tags #deception, #laziness, #successful people, #start early, #really working, #boss, #first four hours
Transcript
Wally: Studies show that successful people can start early. Can I start work at 4AM and quit at noon? Boss: How would I know you were really working the first four hours? Wally: Same way you know now. Boss: I don't know now. Wally: It's like that but with less attendance.
Sunday July 27,
2014
Tags #work load, #complaints, #inexperinced, #exact opposite, #doesn't know much, #hired useless man, #bad attendence, #not perfect, #ask questions
Transcript
Boss: You complained about your work load, SO I hired an inexperienced guy to help. Dilbert: This is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. Boss: He doesn't know much, But he makes up for it by asking lots of questions. Dilbert: So He'll be bugging me every minute? Boss: Not every minute. He takes a lot of sick days. Dilbert: So....you hired a guy who is useless, But its okay because he also has bad attendance? Boss: Its not a perfect world. Is this a good time to ask some questions?
Saturday July 26,
2014
Tags #surveillance, #outsourced micromanaging, #amazons mechanical turk, #other countries, #computer cameras, #criticize, #resisting change
Transcript
Boss: I outsourced my micromanaging to Amazon's mechanical Turk. People in other countries will watch you on your computer cameras and criticize every move you make. Dilbert: That feels like a terrible idea. Turk: Stop resisting change.
Friday July 25,
2014
Tags #banquets, #senior vice president, #technology awards banquet
Transcript
Boss: I have you seated next to our senior vice president at the technology awards banquet. Dilbert: Because you hate me? Boss: No, it's because I hate him. Dilbert: This is making me very unhappy. Boss: Don't peak too soon. Wait for the banquet.
Thursday July 24,
2014
Tags #cruelty, #project, #behind schedule, #dark fast, #death, #die, #medical
Transcript
Boss: Your project is behind schedule. Is there any to finish sooner? Alice: Well, in the long run, we all die, so you could die right now and get to your endpoint faster. Boss: You went dark fast. Alice: I had that one in the hopper.
Wednesday July 23,
2014
Tags #executives, #respect, #prototype, #economical, #mental illness, #level conscious
Transcript
CEO: Your prototype will never economical. Dilbert: Certainty about the future is a sign of mental illness. CEO: Try to be more level-conscious. Dilbert: Yes, Your Highness.
Tuesday July 22,
2014
Tags #ignorance (knowledge), #magic, #thinking, #incomplete data, #intuition and epxerince, #make decision, #magical thinking, #fixes ignorance
Transcript
Boss: We have incomplete data, so I'll need to use my intuition and experience to make the decision. Dilbert: Because magical thinking fixes ignorance? Boss: Hush! I think I have something. Dilbert: I think so, too.