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Alice, The Boss, Wally, Dilbert and Asok the Intern are all sitting around a table. The Boss says, "We've got to figure out why all our projects fail." The Boss looks at Alice and asks, "What do all our projects have in common?" Behind The Boss' back, Wally points with both hands at The Boss. The Boss says to Wally, "It might not be obvious." Behind The Boss' back, Alice points with both hands at The Boss. Looking at Alice, The Boss says, "But if we're honest with ourselves..." Behind The Boss' back, Wally holds up a piece of paper with a large arrow on it pointing at The Boss. The Boss says, "We can find the source of the problem." Alice says, "Ah-ah-ah-" as she begins to sneeze. Wally scratches his head with a piece of paper to the sounds of "scratch scratch." Alice sneezes, "Ach-itz-you!!" The Boss says, "Gesundheit." The Boss asks, "So, does anyone know what the problem is?" Alice looks on as Wally says to The Boss, "I've noticed that Dilbert doesn't work as hard as I think he should."
the boss: wally, i'm putting you in charge of all the zombie projects that refuse to die. the boss: i'm counting on your sloth and incompetence to finish them off, so management feels comfortable finally canceling them. the boss: as of today, i'm paying you to fail. wally: actually, this is just the first time you're aware of it.
Dilbert: You've given me so many projects that I have two ways to fail. I can either miss all of my deadlines or I can reduce the quality of my work to rubbish. Which do you prefer? Boss: The class I took in active non-listening is really paying off. I need this by Tuesday.
female office worker: i can tell by your body language that you want me to fail. dilbert: why would i want you to fail? female: you're not denying it!!! dilbert: well, now i want you to fail. female yelling: you're a monster!
Man says, "The engineering department is finishing all of their projects early and we don't know why." CEO says, "Tell them to do a powerpoint presentation at the next executive retreat to share their methods." Asok says, "Now it's my turn to use the dead boss hand puppet!" Alice says, "Uh-oh."
Voice: Meltdown in cubicle 459540! Dilbert: That's Te. He must have reached his T.W.L. Asok: His what? Dilbert: Theoretical workload limit. In layman's terms, his brain is full. It starts when just one of your projects becomes overdue. You end up spending all of your time explaining why you didn't get it done. That makes all of your other projects overdue. When ever task become urgent, your brain can't decide what to do next. Brains make a funny noise when they shut down. Noise: Poink. Asok: Uh-oh. I just missed a deadline. Wally: And so it begins.
The Boss says, "We've decided to use the new tax incentives on the projects we were going to do anyway." The Boss says, "The tax savings will go toward executive bonuses, which stimulate the economy via the 'trickle on your heads' theory." Alice says, "It's called the 'trickle down' theory." The Boss says, "Not on poker night."
Ted: Did you approve my goals for next year? Boss: Yeah, whatever. Ted: Gaaa! Your apathy about my goals can only mean you to fire me within the next year! Catbert: Ha ha! Now give him unimportant projects. Boss: They all seem that way to me.
Tags #laziness, #office workers, #encouragement, #career plans, #misjudge, #5 year plan, #legacy sytems, #retirement, #projects, #protect heart, #plenty of naps, #quality of work, #pension fund, #new career plan
Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.