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Dogbert stands at the counter in a drug store. He says to the clerk, "Hello. Do you remember selling some hair growth formula to a big guy named Dilbert?" The man replies, "Um . . ." Dogbert continues, "Well, I'M Dilbert, and apparently there are some unusual side effects!" The clerk looks shocked. Dogbert continues, "I took time out from my thriving law practice to come talk to you about it." Dogbert walks home humming. Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dilbert says, "Thanks, Dogbert, but I only asked you to get my prescription refill . . . Not the deed to the pharmacy." Dogbert replies, "In the long run this is more cost-effective."
Dilbert stands in the yard raking leaves. Someone shouts, "Hey! Drop the rake!!" Dilbert asks a woman, "Who are you?" The woman replies, "I'm Mother Nature, wiseguy, and I don't remember asking YOU to shuffle my dead twigs around." Dilbert replies, "Uh . . . Gosh, I was just trying to tidy up a bit for Spring . . ." Mother Nature grabs Dilbert by the shirt and shouts, "Are you saying you don't LIKE my housekeeping!!" Dilbert sits on the ground and says, "But I . . ." Mother Nature says, "That's it. No dinner for you tonight, and I'm sending locusts to eat your house."
Dilbert says to Phil the Ruler of Heck, "Gosh, I thought 'Heck' was just a figure of speech." Phil replies, "Yeah. A lot of people think they can get away with minor infractions." Phil says, "According to my records, last month you deliberately asked for THREE little ketchups at McDonald's when you KNEW you only needed TWO." Dilbert says, "I knew that would come back to haunt me. Look, I still have the extra one. I'll give it back!" Phil shakes his spoon at Dilbert and says, "Shame shame . . ."
Dogbert walks on a sidewalk. Someone behind him says, "Uh . . . Excuse me, earth dog." An alien says to Dogbert, "We have traveled from a distant planet to find out why earth dogs are forced to eat from dirty little bowls while humans use plates." Dogbert and the aliens sit on the grass. Dogbert explains, "Well, basically, it's political. It all began after the unsuccessful poodle rebellion in France, around 1723 . . ." One alien whispers to the other, "Better use a pencil . . ."
Dogbert says to Dilbert, "I've decided to make some dog friends, but I don't even know what other dogs do when they get together." Dilbert replies, "Well, I suppose they would bark like idiots, run around in circles, and sniff every part of your body." Dogbert says, "I guess 'Scrabble' is out of the question."
A woman walking down the sidewalk drops something. Dilbert bends over to pick it up and says, "Excuse me, miss!" The woman turns around and thinks, "Uh oh . . ." Dilbert says, "You dropped this little book titled 'Attractive Women's Secret Guide to Avoiding Dilbert.'" Dilbert says, "Wait a minute! I KNEW there had to be some kind of conspiracy!!" Dilbert opens the book and says, "If I can break this code, it will cripple their entire operation!" The woman shouts into a walkie talkie, "Mayday!!! Mayday!!!" Dilbert points at the woman and says, "Dogbert, sic!!!" Dogbert replies, "Sick? No, but my nose is a bit dry . . ."
Dilbert shouts, "Dogbert! Dogbert! Come here quickly!!" Dilbert says, "My computer simulation has discovered the chemical that causes LOVE!" Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a desk. Dilbert explains, "Apparently, it deactivates the parts of the brain responsible for critical thought and eating." Dogbert says, "Wow! You can inject people with that chemical and make them fall in love!" Dilbert says, "I was thinking more along the lines of a cure . . ." Dogbert replies, "Oh, like marriage."
Dilbert sits at his desk. The Grim Reaper enters and says, "Gilbert, your time has come." Dilbert says as beads of sweat fly off his forehead, "Gilbert?! My name is DILBERT! You have the wrong guy!" The Grim Reaper says, "Oops! Sorry. Mind if I just wait around until your number comes up?"
Dilbert says to the Grim Reaper, "Look, Mr. Death, now that you know I'm the wrong guy, why don't you just leave me alone." The Grim Reaper replies, "I hate to waste a trip. Suppose your number comes up tomorrow - I gotta come all the way back. Just let me hang around today. You won't even notice me." Dilbert says, "THIS is gonna be a very long day." The Grim Reaper follows him and asks, "So, how do you feel?"
Dilbert sits in his chair and the Grim Reaper sits on the hassock. Dilbert says, "So since my time ISN'T up, all you can do is wait around?" The Grim Reaper replies, "Basically." Dilbert says, "Well, as long as you're here, let me tell you about my recent trip to the Fresno Raisin Festival. It all started . . ." The Grim Reaper says as he leaves Dilbert's house, "My mistake. Guys like you live forever."