Anything You Want Comic Strips - Page 1
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wally on video call with catbert: catbert: i'm issuing you a warning for your unsafe workplace. wally: i work from home. you've never seen where i live. catbert: i'm judging by your personality. you're too lazy to clean anything up, so by now it's a toxic dump. wally: that's a lucky guess. catbert: and you're too lazy to close your curtains, so by now your neighbors want to murder you. wally: that's two lucky guesses.
boss: dilbert, in recognition of your outstanding work during the pandemic, i'm giving you a promotion. dilbert: i don't want a stupid title. i want a raise. what's my new title? boss's voice through phone: "ungrateful engineer."
dilbert and dogbert on a walk. dilbert: i don't want the pandemic to end because i kind of prefer not meeting new people. dogbert: don't focus on the end of the pandemic. maybe it's really about the friends you didn't make along the way.
Tags #Advice, #audience, #business, #complain, #connection, #droopy, #emotion, #emotional intelligence, #Entertainment, #hate, #medical, #persuasive, #problems, #sad, #sarcasm, #self-deprecating, #slide deck, #spouse, #technology, #tragic, #wife
boss: if there anything i can do to make my slide deck more persuasive? wally: you need to make an emotional connection with your audience. start with a tragic personal story that makes everyone sad and droopy. then talk about your various medical problems, and don't spare the details. then complain about your wife because most people hate their spouses too, so they can relate. and don't spare the self-deprecating humor because everyone can relate to knowing you are a loser. boss: wow. thank you for that advice. i'll make those changes. dilbert: how much do you hate him? wally: it's more about my entertainment.
boss hosting video call. boss: hi, can everyone hear me? wally with laptop on bed: no, your microphone must be broken. we can't hear anything. boss: maybe i should just reschedule this zoom call. wally: that's how i'd play it.
dilbert on couch with cell phone texting. dilbert texting: let's do a zoom call to discuss that issue. tap tap tap other person's response: you only want to do a video call because i'm an attractive woman and you are a lonely single man working remotely. will you settle for a voice call while you stare at my linkedin profile photo? dilbert: yes
dogbert: can you please stop talking so loudly on your zoom calls?!!! dilbert at home in front of laptop: i'm sorry, but i pay the mortgage, and i have a right to make as much noise as i want in my own house. dogbert: oh, wow. did you really play the "mortgage card" on me? dogbert: this is war! wait until you see what i do in the background of your next zoom call. i don't want to ruin the surprise, but think of the number-one worst thing you can imagine me doing. are you picturing it in your mind? it's bad isn't it? now imagine at the same time i also start doing the second-worst thing you can imagine. dilbert: noooo!!!!
dilbert looking at phone on couch at home. dogbert: i thought you said you had a zoom call that would last for hours today. dilbert: i built a "deep fake" version of myself to take zoom calls and say generic employee stuff. next slide is boss in from of laptop on video call. boss: dilbert, do you have anything to add? dilbert: i don't know if i'm working hard or hardly working. har-har!
dilbert in front of laptop on video conference: our audio is garbled. i can't hear what you are saying. dilbert yelling: no, i didn't say anything about a gerbil. i said our audio is garbled. dogbert and dilbert at home. dogbert: how'd your zoom call go? dilbert: i solved zero problems and may have endangered a gerbil.
boss: we need to destroy our competition! dilbert: i don't approve of violence. boss: i didn't say anything about violence. dilbert: you said "destroy" them. i don't see how that could mean anything else. boss: it was just a figure of speech. dilbert waving arms: we're engineers! you can't use figurative speech with us. we take things literally. so, what exactly is it you want us to do with our competitors? boss: beat them! dilbert: with sticks?