Only Jerks Comic Strips - Page 1

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View 1 - 10 results for only jerks comic strips. Discover the best "Only Jerks" comics from Dilbert.com.

Online Therapy

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Online Therapy - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #psychiatry, #technology, #online, #therapy, #video therapy, #social, #isolation, #awkward, #bored, #people, #hate, #pretend, #hand washing, #carrier, #deadly, #pathogen, #normal

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dilbert on video call. voice from laptop: billing for your video therapy session begins now. dilbert: i'm worried that all of my recent social isolation has changed me. therapist: how so? dilbert: well, a year ago, i felt awkward and bored around people, and that was bad enough. now i hate them so much that i only pretend to wash my hands. i guess i'm secretly hoping i'm a carrier for a deadly pathogen of some type. am i normal? therapist: i sure hope so because i do the same thing.

Office Nickname

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Office Nickname - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #technology, #cell phone, #nickname, #office, #insulting, #approval, #bad, #start, #permission

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dilbert video call on cell phone. dilbert: should i call you ted, or do you prefer your office nickname? i only ask because your nickname is insulting, so i just wanted to make sure you were okay with me using it. ted: i have an office nickname? dilbert thinking: aaand we're off to a bad start.

Pretending To Listen

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Pretending To Listen - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #managers & supervisors, #technology, #laptop, #pretending, #listening, #camera, #look, #zoom, #anger, #video call, #boss, #easy, #golden age

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boss on video call. boss: some of you are only pretending to be paying attention to this zoom call. boss yelling: you're still doing it! stop it! look into the camera!!! dilbert at home. dilbert: pretending to listen to your boss has never been easier. dogbert: golden age!

Only One Thing Ceo Can Do

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Only One Thing Ceo Can Do - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #business, #press, #subordinates, #inapproriate, #behavior, #quit, #murder, #correct

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ceo: the press is all over me because seventy-three subordinates accused me of inappropriate behavior. there's only one thing i can do. boss: quit. ceo thinking: now i know who to murder to divert the press. boss: am i right?

Dogbert Is Selective

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Dogbert Is Selective - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #consultant, #crisis, #selective, #client, #jail, #Advice, #folksy, #wisdom

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title: dogbert the crisis consultant. dilbert and dogbert on a walk. dogbert: i'm very selective about my clients. that's because clients who take my advice usually end up in jail. so i only take clients i hate. dilbert: i like your folksy wisdom.

Lonely Man

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Lonely Man  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #technology, #zoom, #discuss, #issue, #video call, #voice call, #attractive, #lonely, #Women, #man, #remote, #work from home, #cell phone, #linkedin, #profile, #photo

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dilbert on couch with cell phone texting. dilbert texting: let's do a zoom call to discuss that issue. tap tap tap other person's response: you only want to do a video call because i'm an attractive woman and you are a lonely single man working remotely. will you settle for a voice call while you stare at my linkedin profile photo? dilbert: yes

Closing Credits

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Closing Credits  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #technology, #closing credits, #finish, #zoom, #laptop, #goodbye, #people, #leave, #sarcasm

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dilbert on video conference call: okay, well, i see the closing credits scrolling by, so we must be done with our zoom call. voices from laptop: oh, i guess so. well, goodbye everyone. bye! dilbert: goodbye! dogbert: you added closing credits to a zoom call? dilbert: it's the only way to get people to leave.

Pandemic Vacation Days

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Pandemic Vacation Days - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #sarcasm, #technology, #company policy, #video conference, #vacation day, #vacation, #company rule, #pandemic, #go, #solve, #problem, #laptop

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boss and dilbert on video conference call. boss: human resources is on my back to make sure everyone uses their vacation days this year. it's a company rule. dilbert: what's the point of a vacation if we can't go anywhere because of the pandemic? boss: i'm only trying to solve my own problem here.

Fired For Social Media

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Fired For Social Media - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #social media, #business, #technology, #employment, #fire, #offensive, #bad, #people, #twitter, #issues, #context, #sides, #associate, #monsters

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boss: dilbert: i need to fire you for your social media activities. dilbert: did i say something offensive? boss: i'm getting reports that you follow bad people on twitter. dilbert: i follow people on both sides of every issue so i can see the full context. boss: that might sound good on paper, but half of the people you follow are monsters of one sort or another. dilbert: isn't it obvious that enforcing this kind of standard can only lead in a bad direction. boss: no, i don't see that at all. all i see is that you associate with people who are monsters. ceo to boss: i'm getting reports that you follow dilbert on twitter.

Worst Place To Work

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Worst Place To Work - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #barrel, #best, #business, #dead, #employees, #employment, #place, #publication, #squirrels, #technology, #trade, #work, #sarcasm

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boss in board room: a trade publication ranked us dead last on their list of "best places to work." the review says, "employees say working there is like eating a barrel of dead squirrels." boss: could have been worse. dilbert: only for the squirrels.