Common Stock Comic Strips - Page 1
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Dogbert sits at a conference table with a businessman. Dogbert says, "You'll use your technical expertise and I'll do the business stuff. Sign here." As the businessman signs the contract Dogbert says, "Since you're the inventor of the technology, you'll get 100% of the special decorative non-equity stock. I'll settle for all the common stock." The businessman says, "I hope we can avoid the tension that some partners experience." Dogbert says angrily, "Give me my pen, you miscreant."
Asok: I bought my first stock and it went up five percent in one week!That means I'm a stock-picking genius. I plan to max out all of my credit cards and become a day-trader. Dilbert: The total market is up six percent. Asok: That's just luck. It can't do that forever.
Boss: Every one of my employees is underperforming. What should I do? Catbert: You should fire yourself because you're the only common variable. Boss: I hadn't considered that. Catbert: That's how I know I'm right.
boss: this isn't what i wanted. dilbert: it is, unless you gave me the wrong specs. boss: i assume you would use your common sense to know what i wanted. dilbert: did you common sense help you make that assumption?
boss: our stock is down because seventy-three subordinates accused our ceo of inappropriate behavior at work. so i can't give you a bonus even though your work was excellent. co-worker's head explodes: Boom!!! Carol: how'd he take it? Boss: grab some paper towels.
CEO: I have an MBA and yet I keep losing money in the stock market. How can this be? Boss: I put all of my money in gold because it's shiny. My portfolio doubled last year. I'm thinking of getting an MBA. How long does it take? A week?
Boss: I can't give you a raise because the Elbonian debt crisis has created economic uncertainty. Luckily for us, our board of directors granted our CEO more stock options so he won't leave during uncertain times. Dilbert: What happens when the uncertainty ends? Boss: Then he'll exercise stock options.
CEO: I'm canceling all of our new product development and using the capital for a stock buy-back. Dilbert: This is a dream come true because I always wanted to be like you. CEO: In what way are you... Dilbert: Yay! I'm worthless!
Boss: The stock market is up today. I wonder if this is a good time to get in. Dilbert: If you wait until it goes up even further, then you'll know it's a good investment. Wally: Are you still bitter about your last raise? Dilbert: Not as much as I was a minute ago.
Dilbert says, "Ahem . . . I think I'll call my stock broker . . . I'm an investor, you know." Dogbert says, "Ooh . . . I'm impressed." Dilbert says into the telephone, "What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour." Dilbert says, "I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins."