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Dogbert sits on his pillow humming. Dilbert sneaks up behind Dogbert and says, "Boo!" Dogbert's ears fly up and he says, "Eeek!" Dogbert sits on an examining table with his ears still standing straight up. The doctor says, "The good news is you'll handle better on corners . . ."
The corporate jet flies over the mountains. From the cockpit, Dogbert says, "This is Captain Dogbert with some good news and some bad news." Dogbert continues, "The good news is that we'll be hitting town ten minutes ahead of schedule . . ." Dogbert continues, "The bad news is we'll be hitting town."
The Boss says to Wally, "Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing." The Boss continues, "Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a table eating lunch. Wally asks, "Is it just me . . . or is the quality of 'good news' really going downhill lately?" Dilbert replies, "I'd have to say you're both going downhill."
The Boss stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "Good news about your compensation plan . . ." Dilbert says, "I hate good news about my compensation plan." The Boss says, "Twenty percent of your pay will now be in the form of stock options instead of cash!" The Boss says, "To get your stock options, simply sign this updated employment agreement." Dilbert asks, "Why does good news feel like a mugging?"
At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "Good news on your budgets. I did some recalculating last night." The Boss says, "I found a way to give more money to every project without increasing the total budget for projects!" Wally raises his hand and says, "Question: Does your new way involve poor math skills?" Wally has a question mark above his head. Alice puts her arm in front of him and says, "Ignore the skeptic. Hey, I have a suggestion!" Alice says, "Maybe you could recalculate the salary budget for next year." Dilbert says, "And when was the last time you recalculated the vacation days?" Wally, using his calculator wrist watch, says, "I calculate that we have an hour left for this meeting, but I'm interested in YOUR caculation." Dilbert, Wally and Alice walk out of the meeting counting stacks of money. Dilbert says, "I think we got greedy when we asked if he change for a five." They whistle as they leave.
Dilbert sits at his computer as The Boss says, "Good news: The deadline got pushed back a week." Dilbert says to The Boss, "Good news?! I've been working for forty hours straight to finish on time!" The Boss thinks, "I just realized I don't know the difference between good news and bad news."
Dogbert says to Ratbert, "Ratbert, I have good news and bad news." Dogbert says to a happy Ratbert, "The good news is I'm starting up a power utility company and you're my new VP of Operations!" Dogbert says to a chagrined Ratbert, "The bad news is that your office is inside a wheel attached to a generator."
Headline: Evil H.R. Director. Catbert says to Dilbert and Wally, "The bad news is that I had to get rid of our marketing department." Catbert continues, "The good news is that we have tons of nondairy creamer!" Dilbert and Wally are drinking coffee. Dilbert asks, "Do you think those two things are related?" Wally replies, "If they are, I'm cutting back to five cups a day."
The Boss says to Dilbert, "Good news, Dilbert. I'm promoting you to more work!" The Boss continues, "It's the same pay and title. But it must be good because I called it a promotion and I'm smiling!" The Boss forces a severe smile and says, "Still..smiling..good...news..." Dilbert responds, "You're scaring me."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "The good news is that half of you will get huge raises." The Boss continues, "The bad news is that half of you will be downsized tomorrow." Dilbert turns and says, "Is it the same people?" The Boss replies, "Yeah, we ran the numbers."