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Dogbert and Ratbert stand on a desk chair in front of a computer. Dogbert says, "Ratbert, your job is to review eighty million lines of computer code in the company's systems." Dogbert explains, "You're looking for any reference to the current year. Those pieces of code will be a problem when the year is 2000." Six months later, Ratbert and Dogbert sit at a conference table. Ratbert says, "I'm happy to report that the date did not show up once. In fact, it was all just zeros and ones!" Dogbert thinks, "Oops."
The Boss: "Our new product has half a million lines of code!" "Translation: there's nothing good about this product, so you hope I'm impressed by irrelevant data." "Now available in ecru!" "You leave me no choice but to key your car on the way out."
Dilbert: "I've never seen you do any real work around here, Irv. How do you get away with it?" IRV: "I wrote the code for our accounting system back in the mid-eighties. It's a million lines of undocumented spaghetti logic." DILBERT: "It's the Holy Grail of technology!!" IRV: "You boys may find a little extra in your envelopes this month."
CEO MONKEY: The media is asking if you'll take the pledge to give your fortune to charity. CEO: That pledge is for billionaires! I only have $200 million to leave to my heir! On a semi-relayted notem find out who keep putting monkey DNA in my clones test tube.
Boss: I'll review your document and give you my comments this afternoon. Dilbert: No you won't. You'll read one paragraph then tell me to go research something so you can postpone dealing with it. Boss: They know about Plan "A."
Dogbert: I'll pay you a million dollars a year to work at my hedge fund. I'll do the insider trading and you pretend you created an algorithm that makes winning trades. Dilbert: What if I actually create the algorithm? Dogbert: Sure, and maybe you can eat fiber and make gold, too.
Tags #business ethics, #wealth, #ceo, #good job, #50 million dollar bonus, #not motivated, #bad genes, #inequality, #dosaprity, #ceo and worker, #unfair wages, #crazy money, #slave wages, #more work, #no rewards, #money
Carol: What does our CEO get if he does a good job? Boss: A fifty million dollar bonus. Carol: What do I get if I do a good job? Boss: More work. Carol: What's your best guess about why I'm not motivated? Boss: Bad genes.
Boss: We're abandoning our low-margin lines of business and going into a whole new field. Dilbert: So... we'll be like a high-risk start-up company burdened with lumbering inefficiencies and a high cost structure? Boss: Was anything you said the same as buy-in?
Dilbert: I spent four months creating this app, mom. I think I can sell a million of them for $3.99. Mom: I saw seven apps just like this in the app store and five of them were free. Dilbert: Thanks for the feedback, dream-killer. Mom: Have you ever thought of just using your first name, like Madonna?