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JURY SELECTION JUDGE: JUROR eight, do you have any medical problems that would prevent you from serving? NO, I need jury duty. Judge: Would iy be fair to say you odnt know what you need? MAN HOLE IN HEAD: Why does everyone ask me that>
Dilbert says to a co-worker, "I asked for more e-mail storage space and you deleted all of my files!" The co-worker says to Dilbert, "You complain when I ignore your requests and you complain when I delete your files." Dilbert cries, "Those aren't your only choices!!" The co-worker says, "I can't please everyone."
Tim stands at the front of the room. He says, "Welcome to the mandatory Windows NT class." Ted points to an easel with the words "Two weeks" written on it. "Personally, I've only been using a computer for...how long? Anyone?" Ted continues, "But a good trainer can teach any subject." Ted raises his hands over his head and says, "Okay, everyone stand up and stretch!" Ted continues to hold his arms over his head and says, "Or sit there and glare at me. That's good too." Ted holds a box upside down and says, "I forgot to reserve the room with the computers, so I'll use this box." Ted continues, "...and let's say this eraser is the moose." Dilbert sits with Dogbert on the couch and says, "I left when he told us to use our teeth as a keyboard." Dogbert says, "Ooh-yah."
The Boss announces, "I expect everyone to work sixteen hours a day." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at the conference table. Dilbert says, "It seems like that would make us tired." Dilbert turns to Wally and asks, "Wouldn't that make you tired?" Wally replies, "I wasn't listening."
A male coworker says to Dilbert and Wally, "I'm being moved to the magic portal, cubicle 4575OR!" The coworker continues, "Everyone who sits in the magic portal gets a better job within six months!" Wally and Dilbert are walking alone. Wally asks Dilbert, "There isn't a cubicle 4575OR, is there?" Dilbert responds, "The first round of layoffs are always the cruelest."
Headline: Stock Market Expert. Dogbert says in front of the camera, "...Everyone should buy stock in that company. Sell your house if necessary." A man replies into the camera, "Should we worry that the P/E is 900, your track record is terrible and you only recommend stocks you own?" The Boss is sitting in his office watching TV. Dogbert's voice is heard through the TV, "Well, Ron, as you can see from the one-week chart, this stock only goes up." The Boss says into the phone, "Buy! Buy!"
A man addresses the crowd. He says, "Everyone grab an odd-shaped piece of foam and sit down." The man continues, "We'll continue the design process by pointing to these brainstorm notes and making insightful observations." Dilbert raises his hand and says, "The notes are all yellow." The man responds, "Sweet jeepers!!! You're all engineers!"
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Can anyone tell me why everyone is always late for my staff meetings?" Alice responds, "Because the first ten minutes are always stupid stuff like 'What are people late?'" Dilbert turns to Alice and says, "Alice, that was some of your finest work." Alice responds, "Thank you for noticing."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "It's a new reality. If you don't like it, you can leave!" Dilbert raises his hand and asks, "Question: How can we leave reality? Aren't we always in it by definition?" Dilbert looks around and sees that everyone around him is asleep. He says, "Never mind.. apparently everyone else knew what you meant."