Its Been Nice Talking Comic Strips - Page 10
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Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important
Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."
A man enters Dilbert's cubicle, hands him a document and says, "I need this information today. Plus a complete analysis of the alternatives." Dilbert crinkles the paper and stuffs it in the wastebasket. The man says, "That wasn't nice." Dilbert responds, "In today's lesson, you learn that you're my co-worker, not my boss."
Dilbert and Wally walk down the hall together. Dilbert says, "Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company . . ." Dilbert continues as they walk into a conference room, "It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment." Dilbert and Wally sit at a table with a vendor. Dilbert says, "You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a 'ven-duh' such as you?" Wally reaches for the salesperson's ear and says, "Tell me if this hurts."
Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table with a vendor. Wally says, "You must do our bidding, Vendor. We control your economic future." Dilbert says, "Of course, our buying decision will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements." Dilbert stands at the end of the table holding a hoop. The salesperson is on his hands and knees on the table. Dilbert says, "Your competitor completed the 'Vendor Challenge Course' in 37 seconds." Wally adds, "And he gave us VERY nice t-shirts."
The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "It's time to do peer performance reviews!" The Boss continues, "Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you!" Wally says to Dilbert, "I plan to say very nice things about YOU." Dilbert replies, "Nice try, weasel boy." The Boss thinks as he walks away, "Managing is easy when you hate the employees."
Catbert peers over the wall and says, "Hey, Wally . . . Big layoffs coming." Catbert continues, "I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret." Catbert says, "Sadly, cats don't keep secrets very well." Ted says to Wally, "Nice chair."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a desk. Dilbert says, "You have to move slowly with these online relationships. I'll ask her what she likes to do for fun." Dilbert and Dogbert look shocked. Dilbert says, "YIPE!" Dilbert says, "You'd think that a woman named Madame Cruella would compensate by being extra nice."
The Boss sits at his desk and tells Dilbert, "Whenever we disagree, I always end up yelling." The Boss continues, "That's an indication that you have poor interpersonal skills. I'm sending you to a class to improve them." Dilbert says, "It looks like you've gained weight. Would it help if I started jogging?" The Boss replies, "This is exactly what I'm talking about."
Ratbert stands on a chair and says, "Let's go around the room and say who we are and what we hope to get out of the class." The Grim Reaper, Wally, a man and a woman sit at a conference table. The Grim Reaper says, "I'm the Grim Downsizer. I'm here to decruit the entire training department plus all of the people who have time to attend classes." Wally says, "My name is Dilbert. I'm here in place of Wally who is working hard to build a better tomorrow." The man next to Wally says, "I'm somebody else too." The Grim Reaper says, "Nice try."
Dogbert stands on a desk wearing a sorcerer's hat. He tells the Boss, "Let me do the talking when we meet with your boss." Dogbert says to a woman behind a desk, "As you know, any idea from the pointy-haired wonder is crud, but when you add my ability, what do you have?" The woman asks, "Crudability?" Dogbert says, "And good looks too!"