Marketing Biathlon Comic Strips - Page 10
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Headline: The CEO Visit. The CEO says to The Boss, "Thanks for the presentation. Your department seems bloated." The CEO continues, "I'll eliminate half of your group in the next budget meeting." The Boss replies, "Thank you." Dilbert asks The Boss, "What are you going to do?" The Boss replies, "Nothing. I told him we're the marketing department."
The Boss says to Alice and Dilbert, "Let's ping the director of marketing and double-click on the budget." The Boss continues, "Then we can interface in batch mode and put a scope on his bandwidth." Alice cringes and exclaims, "Please stop doing that!" The Boss adds, "Have I mentioned that I was an engineer for a week?"
Wally is sleeping on his keyboard. His computer makes noises, "Click Click Send." Headline: Marketing. An employee in the marketing department says to his coworker, "Someone named Wally is telling us to launch the new product." The employee continues, "Or it might say to eat lunch with a penguin. It has a few typos." The coworker replies, "I already ate, so let's do the other thing."
Dilbert is meeting with a coworker. The coworker says, "The marketing department wants you to build a device that turns customers into sheep." Dilbert asks, "Why? So they'll buy whatever we tell them to buy?" The coworker responds, "To be honest, we haven't given it much thought beyond free wool."
Dilbert is sitting on the doctor's table. The doctor says, "It's a mild rash. I'll scribble and indecipherable prescription for you." Dilbert looks at the prescription and says, "What if your bad handwriting causes the pharmacy to give me harmful medication?" The doctor replies, "That's a little thing I call marketing."
Dilbert points to a slide and says, "My new design will meet all of our customers' current and future needs." The Boss is sitting with two board members, one male and one female. The male board member says, "That's no good; they'll never need to upgrade." Dilbert responds, "Please don't ask me to put flaws in my design." The Boss says, "Flaws could work." The male board member says, "We need flaws." The female board member says, "Flaws, flaws, flaws." Dilbert grabs his tie in fear and says, "Please.... No....." The Boss says, "Make it freeze every hour." The male board member says, "The interface needs to be more confounding." The female board member raises her finger and says, "And..." Headline: Later. Dilbert is on the floor begging, "Please... No more." A voice from the meeting continues, "... And crippling electric shocks." Headline: Much, much later. The Boss says, "The help screen could recommend marrying an unemployed, shirtless guy with a mullet." The male board member responds, "That's marketing!"
Headline: Marketing Genius. A business associate says to The Boss and Wally, "We designed a rebate program that won't cost a penny." The business associate continues, "The rebate process is an impenetrable fortress of unclear instructions and physical impossibilities. An elderly couple sits at a table reviewing bills. The man says, "Next time we have to find the hidden 300-digit serial number and write it in a box that's half an inch long." The woman replies, "Stinkin' weasels."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Jimmy will explain our new marketing strategy." Jimmy says, "A study of past customers shows that 96% of them have flu symptoms." Jimmy continues, "Apparently, sick people are the most likely to buy from us. We don't know why." Jimmy points to a slide of an ill man and says, "So we redesigned our ad campaign to appeal to sick people." Alice says to Jimmy, "You're confusing cause and effect. Your study shows that our products make people sick." Jimmy responds, "Alice, let's not reinvent a dead horse." Alice panics and says, "Suddenly nothing makes sense.. I must have slipped into the meeting duh-mension!" Alice leans back in a daze and says, "Floating.. Scared.. Darkness." The Boss says, "This usually lasts about 10 minutes."
Dogbert is standing on a desk, still in his magician's hat. Dilbert says, "You have to stop telling people that you can talk to furniture. It's not right." Dogbert replies, "You work for a company that actively misleads customers. How's that different?" Dilbert says, "We call it marketing, and we don't wear hats." Dogbert responds, "The table says you're a hypocrite."
The Boss addresses a meeting, "The company will be taking a one-time charge to write down the value of our merger." The Boss continues, "The number is so large that it has no name. Our marketing department is on it." A co-worker raises his hand and says, "Let's see a show of hands for 'Frooglepoopillion.'"