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Boss: I invited a climate scientist to explain the risk of climate change to our company. Man: Human activity is warming the earth and will lead to a global catastrophe. Dilbert: How do scientists know that? Man: It's easy. We start with the basic science of physics and chemistry. Then we measure changes in temperature and CO2 over time. We put that data into dozens of different climate models and ignore the ones that look wrong to us. Then we take that output and run it through long-term economic models of the sort that have never been right. Dilbert: What if I don't trust the economic models? Man: Who hired the science denier?
Dilbert: I wanted to be productive this week but the big tech companies didn't let me. Boss: That's ridiculous. They can't stop people from doing work. Dilbert: Actually, they can. Their business models depend on interrupting users with ads, and apps, and mindless entertainment. Until recently, humans could resist these distractions. But now the tech companies are using science to make their apps addictive. They learned how to hijack our brains. What started as simple entertainment evolved into military-grade mind control. Did you hear any of that? Boss: Any of what?
Boss: We're going to use our VR technology to take over the cubicle business. Write a program that makes users feel as if they are working in a fabric-covered box. Dilbert: Maybe we should think outside the box. Boss: Stop resisting change.
Alice: Do you ever think about marrying me and raising a family of cyborgs? Robot: No. Alice: I'll add some code to your program so you do. Robot: Okay. Alice: This was the moment I realized human men were obsolete.
Boss: I'm assigning our best and brightest engineers to the new system integration team. Anyone who is left over gets to be in charge of watching our legacy system slowly rot. Dilbert: Who would want that job? Wally: Me!!! Pick me!!!
Dilbert: I have this conference room booked for a meeting. Alice: This is my private office now. I took it over. Dilbert: You can't just take over a conference room. Alice: I already did. It was easy. Now all I need to do is act as if it would be totally unreasonable to ask me to leave. Dilbert: You need to leave. I have this room reserved. Alice: That's totally unreasonable! I'm all settled in and I'm working on a company-critical deadline! Dilbert: I guess I could cancel my meeting. Alice: Perfect. Now get out of my office.
Wally: I recommend buying the company that supplies coffee to our biggest competitor. We'll replace their regular coffee with decaf enjoy a solid 20-point I.Q. advantage over them. Boss: Do all of your ideas involve coffee. Wally: Only the good ones.
Boss: We need to cut our budget. Go to all of our vendors and tell them to reduce their prices. Dilbert: Why would they do that for us? Boss: Tell them we'll buy from someone else unless they do. Dilbert: That's what we told them to get the prices we have now. I'm an engineer, not a professional negotiator. Your plan has failure designed into it. Your poor leadership already has me on the edge of madness. This could push me over the edge. Boss: And I need it done by Tuesday.
Dilbert: The flight to Elbonia is seventeen hours. Can I fly business class? Boss: No, because your pain will be temporary, but I won't get my bonus if I go over budget. Try being a team player for once. Dilbert: I didn't know Satan had a team.
Boss: What's the worst-case scenario? Dilbert: A rogue nation could insert a cyberweapon on our software. The virus could destroy all technology on Earth. Lacking the means to communicate over great distances, single people would only be able to marry people who lived nearby. I could end up marrying your daughter. That would make you my father-in-law and my boss. That nightmare would cause me to denounce humankind and go live in a park, naked, with a family of squirrels. When winter came, I would be forced to strangle the squirrels, one by one, to make myself a coat. I can't tan leather, so that would be a senseless tragedy. Boss: Let's try to avoid that.