Human Simulations Comic Strips - Page 10
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Topper. Dilbert: I only slept four hours last night. Topper: That's nothing. I was born awake and decided to stay that way. Dilbert: Lack of sleep is making me a little loopy. Topper: I have a human head collection.
Dilbert: My brain stimulator will keep me interested in your meetings, no matter how boring they are. Now I can enjoy work and get paid, too. It seems I have beaten the system. Catbert: He's enjoying what? Boss; Work. It's super creepy.
CEO: I love having a football-sized evil director of Human Resources. Now I can delegate from a distance. Catbert: I sense disgruntled employees in that direction! Launch! CEO: You'll have to walk after the first ten feet.
CEO: You have been doing dumb things on social media. I am going to toss our evil director of Human Resources in your direction and run away. I love a lot of things about being CEO, but I think I love delegating the most. Boss: Gaaaa!!!
Woman: So, tell me a little about yourself, and be totally honest. Dilbert: Totally honest? Okay... I like technology more than I like people. I don't believe in free will, soulmates, or following my passion. I think life is a brief, meaningless event in a random universe that doesn't care. I only associate with other people because I have biological and economical needs. I think all human actions are driven by selfishness. Woman: Uh... okay. Do you have any questions for me? Dilbert: Am I still being totally honest or should I act curious?
Dilbert: My invention can scan the human brain and duplicate it in software. I combined that technology with a 3-D printer that makes human body parts. Boss: What does it all do? Replicant: He's getting to the good part.
Boss: Tina complained that your foul language is creating a hostile work environment. Alice: That's ridiculous. Words are totally harmless. Tell Tina she can... [Ten Seconds Later. The boss is twitching] Okay, I see it now.
Dilbert: Yay! I have another full day of doing nothing but rearranging zeros and ones. You know it will be a good day when there is no human interaction on the schedule. Tina: How's your day going? Dilbert: Well, it started good...
Boss: To be perfectly honest... Dilbert: Wait! Why do you need to say you're being honest in this particular case? You're implying that you've lied to me so often in the past that this one instance of honesty is noteworthy. That is tantamount to admitting you have no respect for me as a human being. And you don't even have the decency to hide your evil in a competent fashion! Do you think I'm such an idiot that I wouldn't notice your verbal assault on my intelligence? Okay, let's hear the one honest thing you have ever told me. Go. Boss: This is going to be the easiest lie I've ever told.