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Dilbert: I need a more ergonomic office chair. Boss: Let me check the budget. Hmm...nope. We don't have a budget for making whiny employees happy. Dilbert: My current chair hurts my back. Boss: It's no picnic for the chair either.
The Boss: I need someone to run some test scripts on the new software. Dilbert: I can do that my project is on hold until the new hardware arrives. The Boss: Great, I'll need you to run the same tests on every version until final release. Dilbert: Um... I was only volunteering to do it once it isn't my job to do all the testing. The Boss: Too late. You're the test script guy now. Dilbert: You're adding an entirely new job to my existing job! The Boss: Don't you want to be a team player? Dilbert: Of course I do. The Boss: Good. I just put you on the losing team.
Carol: I can't get the printer to work can you help? Dilbert: Sure, I'll be there as soon as I finish my twenty-seven tasks that are all higher priorities. Carol: How long will that take? Dilbert: I got three new tasks while you were here yammering.
The Boss: Where's the career criminal I hired to do tech support? He was last seen talking to you. Alice: Rumor has it that someone murdered him, covered him in with-out and tried to pass him off as a statue in the lobby. Dilbert: I would report this if it did't look so darned good here.
Jerry: Omg! You are soooo wrong! I literally cannot believe you are this gullible. Hahahahaha! Hahahaha! I can't wait to tweet about your stupidity. Your dumbness will live forever on the internet! Dilbert: You probably haven't seen the new data that proves I'm right. Will you apologize like a decent human being or will you move the goalposts claim victory. And trash my name like a demented weasel? Jerry: Can you tell me more about the weasel option?
The Boss: My new system of using "radical candor," is working out great. I've been criticizing people all morning and only three of them went into therapy over it. Now I turn my candor to you. Carol: Die, monster!
The Boss: I've decided to adopt a hot new management trend called, "Radical Condor." The trick is to be direct yet kind at the same time. Dilbert: What were you doing before? The Boss: Let's not get into that.
The New Hire New Hire: Can you take me around the office and introduce me? The Boss: No, that scheme won't work because it requires me to admit I don't know most of their names. New Hire: What's my name? The Boss: Um... Does it start with a letter?
CEO: Government regulations prevent us from marketing our products the way we want. What should we do? Dilbert: I'll consult my bundle of bumper stickers for some guidance. "Question authority." CEO: How did you get so smart?
Ted: Your plan is dumb because it reminds me of something different that didn't work out. Dilbert: Being reminded of unrelated things is not a form of thinking. Ted: History repeats. Dilbert: Then how does something new ever happen?