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The Boss: "I've never managed marketing people before. But a good manager can manage anything." "So...I order you to go do marketing things...like segmenting and focus groups..." "And keep focusing and segmenting until we dominate the industry!!!" Worker: "Well, I'm motivated."
The Boss: Two people in a focus group loved our product. So we're doubling our production. Dilbert: The opinions of two people are not statically useful. ...especially if you're one of the two people. The boss: I knew those free sandwiches were too good to be true.
"Dogbert: Ethics Advisor" "We know our products are killing people, but we're claiming the studies are flawed." "We're planning to focus our advertising on the youth markets in poor urban areas." "So, given all that, is it okay for me to steal office supplies?" "I'd have to say yes."
"Dogbert: Ethics Advisor" "We mail our product to people and tell them it's free for one year." "Then we start nailing them with high fees because they'll forget the procedure for returning the product. They're trapped." "So, did you have some ethics advice?" "No. I asked you here so I can return your stupid product."
Dilbert lies on his couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert says, "I'm starting my own venture capital firm." Dogbert continues, "I'm attracted to the concept of watching people with moronic ideas beg for money." Dilbert asks, "Will you actually finance anybody?" Dogbert replies, "That would sort of crimp the mirth."
Dilbert, Alice and Wally sit around a conference table. Dilbert says, "As you know, I've been promoted to team leader." Alice asks, "Will you decide raises? Do you approve expenses? Do you fire people?" Dilbert answers "No" to all three questions. Dilbert says, "I'm a leader. Not a manager."
The caption reads, "The problem . . ." Dilbert enters looking frazzled and says to the Boss, "We're so under-staffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule." The caption reads, "The analysis . . ." The Boss looks pensive and thinks, "I can't add people . . . I can't change the due date . . . I can't ignore it." The caption reads, "The result . . ." Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He wants daily status reports until the situation improves." All three look overworked and disheveled.
Dogbert stands on a desk and tells the Boss, "I hired a new director of Human Resources to handle the downsizing." Dogbert continues, "I needed somebody who acts like a friend but secretly delights in the misery of all people." Catbert stands on a monitor and says to an employee, "We need to talk, Paul. But first I'm going to bat your head around and scratch you." Paul responds, "Hee hee!! That's so cute!"
Dogbert stands on a desk and addresses Wally, Dilbert and the Boss. Dogbert says, "I've decided to sell the company for a huge profit. I found some very discriminating buyers." Wally asks Dogbert, "When you say discriminating, you mean . . . ?" Dogbert answers, "They hate people from this country." Wally says to Dilbert, "It's okay. We have laws to protect us." One Elbonian says to the other, "They're lazy, but at least they're funny!" The other laughs, "Hee hee." The Boss looks shocked.
Pointing to a map, Dogbert tells the Boss, "Your best bet is to relocate the company to Russia." Dogbert continues, "You can hire engineers for two cents a year!" The Boss asks, "Is it difficult to weed out the dumb ones?" Dogbert says, "No. And that leads me into the good news about their occupational safety laws." The Boss says, "It's like heaven!"