Ill Will Comic Strips - Page 10

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #manger training, #comment, #contain nonsense, #implementation

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The instructor says, "You will often be asked to comment on things you don't understand." The instructor draws a large question mark on a tablet with a marker. The instructor says, "These handouts contain nonsense phrases that can be used in any situation. The Boss and the other pointy-haired managers take the papers. In a meeting with Wally and Dilbert, the Boss says, "...So, let's dominate our industry... with quality implementation of methodologies." Wally says, "I'll get right on it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lower opinion, #time bombs, #ruin magic, #kill me, #one kiss, #no tongue

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Dilbert and his date go for a walk, holding hands. She says, "Sooner or later you'll say something that will lower my opinion of you." Dilbert grunts. She says, "Men are like bombs. At any moment you'll say something that will ruin the magic." Dilbert slips and says, "I'm an engineer." She screams, "Aaaaargh! Kill me! Kill me!" He says, "I'll give you one kiss. No tongue."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #career talk, #boss, #office, #work you, #health deteriorates, #obsolete, #downsize, #plan work fast, #ill

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Dilbert stadns in front of the Boss who is sitting at his desk. Dilbert says, "I'd like to talk about my career path." The Boss says, "Okay." The Boss says, "My plan is to work you until your health deteriorates and your skills are obsolete. Then we'll downsize you." Dilbert holds his stomach and says, "I'm ill." The Boss says, "Really? I've never had a plan work this fast before."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #chaos theory, #management, #name for it, #meeting, #confused, #business

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At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "From now on I'll be using the chaos theory of management." Wally, Dilbert, and Alice all have question marks over their heads and are confused. Wally says, "And this will be different how?" The Boss says, "Now there's a name for it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #quality of life, #catalogued, #prioritized, #list, #behaviors, #unacceptable, #bonanza, #toenails, #soup, #onion

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Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dilbert tells him, "Dogbert, I've found a way to improve the quality of life around here." Dilbert holds a long list. He explains, "I've catalogued and prioritized all of the things that bother me." Dilbert hands him the list and says, "Study the list so you'll know what behaviors are unacceptable." Dogbert looks at the list and says, "Wow! Thanks! This is a real bonanza!" Dogbert continues, "You're right. This certainly will improve the quality of my life!" Dogbert continues, "I think I'll do a 'Top Hundred' countdown. This could amuse me for months." Dilbert thinks, "That didn't go as well as I'd hoped." Dilbert sits at the table eating a bowl of soup. Dogbert sits on the table in front of him and says, "Number 73: 'Clipping my toenails near your soup.'" Dilbert says, "That had better be an onion there."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #bungee jump, #avoidable, #danger, #weight, #bungee, #cord, #underestimate, #hill, #man

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Dilbert sees a sign that says "Bungee Jump 10 dollars." He thinks, "It's the manly thing to do." Dilbert enters the office and says, "I'd like to expose myself to avoidable danger." A man says, "Sit right down." The man says, "I need to know your weight so I can adjust the bungee cord." The man says, "Be sure you don't under-estimate your weight or else your head will hit the ground like an over-ripe cantaloupe." Dilbert answers, "Seven hundred pounds." The man wraps a bungee cord around Dilbert's body and head. He says, "Count to three and jump." Dilbert and the man stand on a hill. Dilbert says, "I didn't know you could do this on a hill." The man kicks Dilbert. Dilbert lies face-down on the hill. He says, "Today, I am a man." The man says, "For a hundred bucks I'll pull you back."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #tech conference, #attractive woman, #brush hand, #key, #concierge, #hotel, #check in, #men dominated

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Dilbert goes up to the airline desk at the airport. Woman behind the counter says, "Before I check you in, let me explain something.." Woman says, "You're here for a technology conference. I am the only attractive woman who will talk to you for days. I am not free for coffee later." Dilbert asks, "Can I brush your hand when you give me the key?" Woman says, "I'll toss it to you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #no charismatic leaders, #cable tv, #scandal, #diversion, #great news story, #fertility drugs, #in coffee

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Dogbert sitting on a chair with a crown on his head while Garbage Man holds garbage bag. Dogbert asks, "Why are there no charismatic leaders anymore?" Garbage Man responds, "Cable TV." While placing garbage in dump truck, Garbage Man says, "Scandal is the most economical way to fill news programs. They'll go after you, too." Dogbert says, "I'll need a diversion." Dogbert and Dilbert on couch. Dilbert says, "I don't care if its a great news atory; I will NOT take fertility drugs!" Dogbert says, "They're in your coffee."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #severe shyness, #nude photos, #internet, #previous clients, #motley crue, #Dogbert, #technology

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Dilbert is in bed under blanket and says to Dogbert, "I've been having severe shyness attacks at work." Dogbert, who is sitting on Dilbert's legs says, "I can help." Dogbert says, "I'll send nude photos of you to everyone on the internet." Dilbert is in bed covering his upper body and asks Dogbert, "Will that work?" Dogbert, who is situated on Dilbert's leg replies, "All of my previous clients are dating 'Motley Crue' band members."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #Wally, #alice, #communication, #management, #office culture

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The Boss tells Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "What we need is more communication between management and . . . Whatever you are." The Boss continues, "So, once a month I'll have 'open door day.'" The Boss explains, "You can drop by and whine about anything you want." The Boss continues, "I'll listen with a concerned expression like this." The Boss continues, "Then I'll explain why everything is fine just the way it is." The Boss continues, "Then, morale will improve, profits will skyrocket and my stock options will make me RICH!! Dilbert says, "May I make some observations about your plan?" Dilbert says, "Uh . . . Forget it." The Boss asks, "Do you notice how concerned I look?"