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Two employees talking outside of Alice's cubicle. Alice says to the employees, "Excuse me. I couldn't avoid hearing your converstaion outside my cubicle." Alice continues, "I think I speak for a lot of cubicle dwellers when I say..." Alice yells, "SHUT UP!!" Both employees are pushed backwards by the force of Alice's yell.
The Boss walks with Asok into Alice's cubicle. The boss says, "From now on, Asok, you'll report to Alice instead of me." The boss says, "You can never directly speak to me again. Everything must go through Alice." Asok turn to Alice. Asok says, "Tell him I understand." Alice says, "Submit your request by e-mail."
"Friends Explained" "A Very Special 'Dilbert'." "Close friends." "May I borrow your gum?" "Sure, reach in and take what you need." "Buddies" "May I borrow your hammer?" "Why not use your forehead as usual?" "Work Friends" "So, how's your wife?" "Dead, same as last week." "Boyfriend/girlfriend (stereotypical view)" "Love." "Lust." "Boyfriend/girlfriend (modern correct view)" "Lust." "Television." "Platonic friends" "Television?" "Lust." "Man's Best Friend" "By my estimate there are 2.6 billion females who do NOT desire you." "Name them."
Tags #electrical engineering, #engineering proposal, #engineers opinion, #major, #masters degree, #naked statues, #nickle, #scratch and sniff, #technology publications, #thundering moron, #art history
Dilbert and Dogbert stand in front of the Boss's desk. Dilbert says, "Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal." Dilbert lifts Dogbert onto the desk. Dogbert says, "While Dilbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering . . ." Dogbert continues, "You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked statues." Dogbert continues, "Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications." Dogbert continues, "You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden 'scratch and sniff' panels." Dogbert says, "In summary . . ." Dogbert shouts, "Never question an engineer's opinion, you thundering moron!" Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table. Dilbert says, "Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said 'thundering.'" Dogbert reads the proposal and says, "What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?"
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. Wally hands the Boss a piece of paper and says, "My project is right on plan." Wally continues, "It began last week as a bad idea from somebody in senior management." Wally continues, "Thanks to my leadership, it is already an object of widespread mockery and derision." Wally continues, "As I speak, our lawyers are purging every last trace of value it might have had." Wally continues, "With luck, the project will be a gigantic failure in a month." Wally continues, "People will forget my failure and remember that I'm experienced. Promotions will follow. Yes!!" Wally concludes, "In six months I'll be dating an executive secretary named Yvonne." Dilbert says, "Good plan." The Boss asks, "Wally, have you ever read our mission statement?" Wally replies, "Yeah, but I don't subscribe to a literal interpretation."
Carol tells Wally, "Today is your ten-year anniversary, Wally." Carol says, "Pick a gift from the service anniversary catalog." Wally asks, "Is there a ceremony?" Carol replies, "Yeah. We just had it." Wally asks, "May I say a few words?" Carol replies, "Anywhere but here." Wally looks through the catalog and tells Dilbert, "The selection of gifts at the ten-year level is somewhat meager." Dilbert says, "The golf ball is nice." Wally says, "I'm leaning toward the 'I'm with stupid' shirt." Dilbert says, "All I see is a blank shirt." Wally says, "It comes with a fabric pen." Dilbert says, "I can almost feel the love our company has for us." Wally asks, "What do you mean 'us'?"
Dogbert answers the phone and says, "This is Dogbert. How may I abuse you?" The Boss sits at his desk and says into the telephone, "I need to move my cursor to the right but my mouse is at the edge of the mousepad." Dogbert asks, "Have you tried rebooting without saving your files?" The Boss replies, "Yeah, several times." Dogbert asks, "Have you tried moving your desk?" The Boss pushes his desk. The Boss says, "It didn't work." Dogbert says, "You need my $800 mousepad upgrade." The Boss asks Carol, "What account does this get charged to?" Carol replies, "'Idiot Expense,' just like everything else."
Dilbert installs a panel on the wall. He tells Dogbert, "This security system cost a fortune but it's worth it." Dilbert says, "I put a camera in every room to deter any criminal activity." Dilbert says, "We may now go to the park knowing our fortress is protected." Dilbert and Dogbert sit on a park bench. A man walks by carrying a lamp. The man walks by carrying a couch. The man walks by carrying the cameras. He thinks, "I can't wait to show my kids what I do at work." Dilbert says, "I can only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen." Dilbert says, "And that is having some of it returned." The thief walks by with the couch. He says, "This thing is hideous in good light."
Dogbert is hosting a radio talkshow. He sits at the microphone. He says, "You're on the radio with Dogbert's "Bad Advice Show." How may I hurt you?" Women on the phone asks, "My boss asked me for a date. We're both married. What should I do?" Dogbert says, "Divorce your husband. He sounds like a loser to me." Women says, "Yes, yes it all makes sense when you explain it that way." Dogbert says, "Then mail a dead woodchuck to your boss with a note that says...." Dogbert is heard over the phone. Dogbert says, "Unlike this woodchuck my love for you will never die." Women says, "Thanks. I love your show." Dogbert says, "Moving on to household tips, did you know that black paint is an excellent stain remover?" Dilbert walks in with a huge black stain on his shirt. Dilbert says, "Can we talk?" Dogbert says, "And those are just SOME of the benefits of an all-cheese diet."
Dogbert sits at a computer with a telephone headset on. He says, "This is Dogbert's technical support. How may I disconnect you?" Wally sits at his computer and holds a cordless phone. He says, "What are my choices?" Dogbert says, "I recommend the abrupt disconnect; simple, gets the job done." Wally replies, "I had that last time. What else do you have?" Dogbert says, "You might like our 'Please hold,' followed by the 'wrong button' disconnect." Wally says, "Too predictable. Do you have anything new?" Dogbert says, "Try our new "Kervorkian Disconnect." I put you on hold and play an annoying message until you disconnect yourself." Through the phone Wally hears, "Your call is important. Please hold while we ignore it... Your call is important..." Wally thinks, "Not bad."