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Dilbert comes home and says to Dogbert, "I'm broke. The company declared bankruptcy and my 401k savings are worthless." Dogbert replies, "No, I've been impersonating you and diversifying your investments into tobacco, sweat shops, and diamond mines." Dilbert says, "Really?! How am I doing?" Dogbert responds, "It's mixed. You have a 37% return but your soul will burn for eternity."
Carol is sitting on a doctor's examination table. The doctor says, "Switch to decaf for a while. That should help." Back at the office, Alice holds bag of coffee in her hands and thinks, "I'll replace all the office coffee with decaf for my convenience." In the hallway, The Boss, Alice, and Dilbert are all asleep on the floor. Wally is slumped down; he thinks, "Must...find... antidote."
"I've noticed that deadd people know a lot. They're always yapping to psychics on television." "We could kill the entire software-testing staff and replace them with one medium." "Do you see any problem with that?" "If the dead people lie, how would we punish them?"
Wally: I've put my heart and soul into the high-speed-data-by-sewer project. But I believe in developing outr talent pool, SO I recommend putting Asok in charge if the project, I will be his mentor, AsoK; wow! what should I do first? Wally: I wouldn't rule out panicking.
Carol: "Would you consider speaking at my son's school on career day?" "I'd do it myself, but I can't disguise the bitterness and despair that gnaw at my soul." "Plus my son has been bad and I told him I'd punish him." The boss: "I'd be honored to speak."
"We dug up the founder of our company and wrapped him in copper wire." "Then we replace his tombstone with a huge magnet." "With any luck, our business practices will make him spin in his grave and generate electricity."
There's a medical procedure that will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. "The doctors would remove part of your body and replace them with the parts from an attractive guy." "It sounds painful." "Not if you do it all at once."
"I keep forgetting where I put things." "The problem is that you're stupid." "I recommend replacing your brain with a monkey brain." "Will that help?" "No, I just hate monkeys."
"First I'll saw open your head. Then I'll replace your faulty brain with a fresh cauliflower." "How do I know you won't put me to sleep, eat the cauliflower and claim the operation worked?" "That reminds me: your insurance doesn't cover anesthesia."
"We're off to see the Wizard of Landfill. He'll give you some ambition and he'll show me how to get home." "Can we go too? I need experience...And he needs a brain, heart, soul, and a strategic vision." "No I don't. You're fired!" "And a job...I need a job."