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Tags #business failures/bankruptcies, #executives, #wages, #long tern survival, #innovate ways, #cannibalize, #current prodcuts, #lose a fortune, #ceo's compensation, #revenue dips, #hovel, #some ideas, #money
Dilbert: Our only hope for long-term survival is to innovate in ways that cannibalize our current products. The downside is that you'll lose a fortune in CEO compensation when our revenue dips in the short run. CEO: Thanks. I'll stop by your hovel later with some ideas for ruining your life, too.
Dogbert the Philanthropist Dogbert says, "If I give a man a fish, he will eat for one day." Dogbert says, "But if I inspire him by my opulent lifestyle and my squiring of supermodels, he might try harder." Dilbert says, "You can't stop giving." Dogbert says, "It's like a curse."
Catbert: I modified the dress code to require wearing company shirts on casual Fridays. That should lower our employees' self-esteem until they stop complaining about earning less than the industry average. Dilbert: Why do I feel overpaid today?
The Boss says, "Meet our new vice president of engineering." The Boss says, "We're lucky to have him despite his utter lack of experience in our industry." The Boss says, "Some might call him unqualified, but I call him exotic." Vice President says, "You're over-selling."
The Boss says, "We're getting some heat from the media for using Elbonian slave labor ot build our products." The Boss says, "I've been trying to tell the media that it's not as bad as it sounds." ELBONIA Elboanian says, "Now I'll be the slave and you be the oppressor!" Elbonian 2 says, "No!!! Not yet!"
The Boss says, "I have a new job for you. Our product is defective and it's killing customers." Dilbert says, "You want me to organize a recall?" The Boss says, "No." Dilbert says, "Engineer a fix?" The Boss says, "No." The Boss says, "You'll need overalls, several barrels of bleach and some sort of scrubby brush."
The Boss says, "How can we rebuild the trust of our customers? Let's brainstorm." Dilbert says, "We could stop using misleading benchmark tests to sell shoddy products that have hidden costs." The Boss says, "I heard someone say 'lie.' Let's write that one down."
Alice says, "Excuse me. By my count, you've said the same thing 27 times, using different words." Alice says, "If I can get sworn statements from everyone here that we understand your point, will you stop talking?" Man says, "That's mighty rude of you." Alice says, "I dont' get your point. Can you repeat it 26 more times?"
Asok says, "Our product comes with 27 moedels with over 9,000 options." Dilbert says, "Given my limited time to study the options, you have guaranteed that I will make a sub-optimal choice." Dilbert says, "Thanks for making me a failure." Asok says, Well it's not really "selling" if we both win."
Worker: I have to disagree with you , dilbert. Gilbert: Actually, you odnt disagree with me, Worker: I dont? Dilbert: No, You think you disagree with me, but your mistaken. Dilbert: You're simply experiencing an illusion caused by the limits of your comprehension. If you were able to fully comprehend both the problem and my recommendation solution, you would agree with me. Dilbert: So what appears to be a difference of opinion if just you wrestling with your own defective brain. Dilbert: There's no reason to get the rest of us involved in that mess. Have you ever noticed that clarity makes people angry?