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Dilbert holds his arms away from his body. He asks Dogbert, "Notice anything different?" Dogbert replies, "You're holding your arms out like this." Dilbert replies, "I've been lifting weights!" Dilbert continues, "My arms do this automatically because of the muscles." Dogbert asks, "What muscles would make your arms stick out?" Dilbert replies, "Obviously, it's some sort of armpit muscle. I don't know the Latin name." Dilbert puts his arms over his head and says, "I'm going to keep at it until I have huge armpits and I have to keep my arms straight up all the time." Dogbert asks, "Why are you doing this?" Dilbert replies, "I just want to look good."
Dilbert watches Dogbert sleeping on the hassock. He thinks, "Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep?" Dilbert thinks, "It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars." In Dogbert's dream, he stands on a throne and says, "Ha ha! I am Saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves!" Saint Dogbert asks Dilbert, "What's on my schedule today, lackey?" Dilbert looks at the schedule and says, "You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine." Dilbert continues, "Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten." Dogbert says, "Good, good." Dilbert says, "Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off." Dogbert wakes up and thinks, "Reality: what a gyp."
Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I have a solution for your dating dilemma." Dogbert continues, "At your age there are more single men than single women." Dogbert continues, "Worse yet, all of the single women are dating married men or serial killers." Dogbert continues, "But the statistics eventually favor men." Dilbert asks, "Really? How?" Dogbert replies, "At age 80 there are THREE TIMES as many available women as men because men die younger." Dilbert asks, "Are you saying I should wait until I'm old . . . And date 80-year-old women?" Dogbert says, "No. I wouldn't wait . . ."
Ratbert, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. Ratbert says, "I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became vice president of marketing." Ratbert continues, "My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press." Dilbert approaches a technology columnist and says, "It looks like you're full." The man has people clinging to both legs. He responds, "You can cling to the cat until a space opens."
The Boss, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. Wally says, "This week I kicked off the 'Wally Compensation Equilibrium Project.'" Wally continues, "My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary." The Boss thinks, "I hate the first month after they see their raises." Wally says, "I'd go on, but I just achieved equilibrium."
Tina the Tech Writer sits at a table with Dogbert. Tina says, "I'm a lowly technical writer now, but my goal is to become a famous novelist." Tina continues, "My plan is to write witty and scathing e-mail messages about co-workers until a publisher gives me an advance." Dogbert says, "They might expect you to write a book at some point." Tina yells, "Blood suckers!"
Dilbert's mother sits in a chair and says into the phone, "Dilbert, I found your father. He's been at the 'all you can eat' restaurant in the mall since 1989." Dilbert sits in his cubicle and says into the phone, "He's so literal - he didn't want to leave until it was 'all he could eat.'" Dilbert asks, "When's he coming home?" Dilbert's mother answers, "I'm thinking of joining him. He got a booth."
The Boss says to Dilbert and Alice, "The results of the employee satisfaction survey are in. Scores for my department are dismal." The Boss continues, "I'm assigning you to the satisfaction task force until the problem is solved." Dilbert and Alice look upset. Dilbert says, "Please . . . Anything but that . . ." The Boss asks, "How satisfied are you NOW?"
Dilbert says to the Boss, "I need your full management support in this meeting with sales." The Boss replies, "Just watch the master at work." A man says to the Boss, "I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week." The Boss asks, "Is Thursday okay?" As they walk away, the Boss says to Dilbert, "Wait until he finds out that Thursday isn't 'early next week.' Hee hee!"
Dogbert stands on a desk chair and tells Dilbert, "Here in the 'Dogbert Institute for Advanced Thinking,' I have devised a plan for ending poverty." Dogbert continues, "My plan is to wait until there are so many talk shows on television that all the people with wretched lives can be paid guests." Dilbert asks, "What about the poor people who don't want to be on talk shows?" Dogbert replies, "We'll get the stragglers on 'Cops.'"