Search Results for "useful parts"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 21, 2010's comic on:


Tags #cost estimate, #deny, #numbers, #manipulate, #decisions, #hurt, #typing at computer, #humming noise, #annoy, #go away, #angry face, #home, #sitting on couch

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Coworker says, "Can I get a rough cost estimate for the design phase?" Dilbert says, "No. I don't trust you with numbers." Coworker says, "What?" Dilbert says, "You're the kind of guy who will remove useful qualifiers and distribute a figure as if it is true in all cases." Dilbert says, "Decisions will be made. People will get hurt." Dilbert says, "For everyone's sake, the safest thing I can do is make an annoying humming sound until you go away." Dilbert says, "Hummmmm-mmmmmmmmm-mmmmm." Dilbert says, "Half of life is making people go away." Dogbert says, "Humm-mmmm"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 17, 2007's comic on:


Tags #vp of marketing, #describe prodcut, #marketing language, #overheat, #hottest prodcut, #know carcinigens, #appreciate life!

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Dogbert, the VP of marketing Dogbert: "Describe your product in technical terms and I'll turn it into marketing language." Alice: "Well, it tends to overheat." Dogbert: "'hottest product on the market!'" Alice: "All the parts are known carcinogens." Dogbert: "Makes you appreciate life!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 17, 2001's comic on:


Tags #bug in software, #email address book, #send message, #hard data, #fix bug, #money, #finds mothers name, #compares face to animals

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Dilbert stands before a presentation screen with a model on it. He explains, "We found a bug in our software." Another panel comes up and Dilbert continues, "It searches your e-mail address book for your mother's name." The Boss, Alice and Wally listen as Dilbert says, "Every Sunday it uses your e-mail to send her a message..." Dilbert continues, "...Comparing her face to various parts of animals." The Boss asks, "Do you have any hard facts that proves we should fix the bug?" The Boss continues, "We can't just throw money at every problem." His secretary stands behind him, holding a phone in her hand. Carol, the Boss's secretary says, "It's your mother." The Boss puts the receiver to his ear and his mother screams, "YOU MISERABLE %$#@&!!!" Dilbert looks at the Boss and says, "See what I mean?" The Boss replies, "No. I get this call every day" as his mother continues to curse.

Wally Thinks About Strategic Planning

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Wally Thinks About Strategic Planning - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 17, 2014's comic on:


Tags #deception, #hallucinations, #strategic planners, #future, #pretend, #different happens, #visualize, #game, #work, #planning

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Wally: I'm thinking of getting into the strategic planning game. If I understand the job description, you basically hallucinate about the future and then something different happens. Dilbert: You also have to pretend it's useful. Wally: Really? That sounds hard.

Tall People And Men

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Tall People And Men - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 05, 2015's comic on:


Tags #discrimination, #frustration, #money, #retribution, #revenge, #salary, #sexism, #wages, #Women

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Alice: How can you justify paying me less than tall people and men!!! CEO: Duh. The reason is that you are not as tall and you don't have male body parts. Alice: Can I borrow your scissors?

Dilbert Fixes Boss's Technology Strategy

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Dilbert Fixes Boss's Technology Strategy - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 09, 2015's comic on:


Tags #verbiage, #technical, #jargon, #deception, #logic, #team player, #babble

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Dilbert: fixed your technology strategy. I couldn't make it sound logical, so I buried the stupid parts under seven layers of technical babble. Add an irrelevant graph and no one will be the wiser... literally. Boss: Please stop being a team player.

Brain Scan And 3 D Scanner

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Brain Scan And 3 D Scanner - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 21, 2015's comic on:


Tags #replication, #technology, #clone, #playing god, #doppelganger

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Dilbert: My invention can scan the human brain and duplicate it in software. I combined that technology with a 3-D printer that makes human body parts. Boss: What does it all do? Replicant: He's getting to the good part.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 15, 2015's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #dying, #death, #health, #health tracker, #heart rate monitor, #ads, #scare, #fitbit, #smart watch, #medical

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Boss: The health sensors and predictive algorithms you built into our smart watch are too good. People are freaked out because it sends alerts to their phones when they have five minutes left to live. Dilbert: Isn't that useful? Boss: It was, until we started sending paid ads as alerts.

Dilbert Goes To Jail

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Dilbert Goes To Jail - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 21, 2015's comic on:


Tags #guilt, #innocence, #cyborg, #crime, #criminal, #fair, #fairness, #punishment, #jail, #responsibility

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Dilbert: You're arresting me for killing Ted, but a bug in my cyborg components made me do it. If I go to jail, you will remove the cyborg parts that caused the trouble and punish the organic parts of me that are innocent. Police Officer: It's funny when you put it that way.

Just A Guy In A Box

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Just A Guy In A Box - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2016's comic on:


Tags #existentialism, #existence, #value, #work, #use, #useful, #change

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Dilbert: I like to think the work I'm doing here will change the world. Boss: Your project didn't get funded because Carol forgot to put a meeting on my calendar. Dilbert: There is, however, a non-zero chance that I"m just a guy sitting in a box.