Repeat Business Comic Strips - Page 100
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Boss: Our off-site document storage costs are growing out of control. At this rate, our core business can be summarized as "put trees in jail." This is when you say something wise and helpful. CEO: Trees are jerks.
Catbert: You're the first employee in company history to fail the online ethics course. Wally: I protest the grading system! Ethics are subjective. There are no right answers! Catbert: You said you would kill a coworker if you knew you wouldn't get caught. Wally: It was hard to know what answer they were looking for.
Boss: You failed the online ethics course for the third time. You can't be an engineer for this company if you have no grasp of business ethics. You leave me no choice. I'm putting you on the management fast track. Wally: Huh.
Catbert: Your brain scan shows tremendous management potential. The part of your brain that would normally control ethics is filled with some sort of warm, brown liquid. It appears that you speed-evolved part of your brain into a coffee reservoir. Wally: People think I don't have a plan.
Boss: According to the employee survey, 98% of you have no confidence in management. Rest assured, management will make sure we never again get such a low score. CEO: Cancel all future employee surveys.
Carol: What did our CEO have to say? Boss: He has a new strategy, but it seems vague. Carol: What will the engineers think about it? Boss: They don't care about this stuff. Carol: What exactly does a middle manager do? Boss: We're the glue that binds the apathy to the vague objectives.
Boss: Ted, I don't want to fire you because that would be expensive. So I'm borrowing a Japanese management technique and transferring you to a banishment room until you get so bored you quit. Ted: Looks like someone underestimated my tolerance for boredom.
Boss: Wear this biosensor so management can monitor your health during the day. Dilbert; Wow. I didn't know you cared so much about my health. Boss: Oh, I do. Catbert: Employee 479 doesn't have shallow breathing. You can give that one some more work.
Dilbert: I heard you got booted off the management fast track. Wally: Yeah. I fell asleep during the small animal snuff film and failed the sociopath module. Dilbert: That seems harsh. Wally: I offered to punch a squirrel, but they don't allow extra credit.