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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #conquest, #sneezed, #brain, #cells, #average, #election, #straight, #party, #ticket, #lunch, #world

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Dogbert stands over a map spread out on a table. Dilbert asks, "What's all this, Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "I'm planning my world conquest." Dogbert says, "It shouldn't be too hard, given the fact I've probably sneezed more brain cells than the average human uses on election day." Dilbert says, "I usually vote a straight party ticket." Dogbert says, "I could be done before lunch."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #christmas, #Dogbert, #ratbert, #dog, #rat, #tree

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Dilbert sits in front of the Christmas tree in his bathrobe. Dilbert says to Dogbert, who is tearing open his presents, "You really put the family through some major gift-giving guilt this week, Dogbert." Ratbert asks, "Family? Does that include little Ratbert?" Dilbert hands Ratbert a gift and says, "Welcome to the family, Ratbert." Dogbert says, "Don't expect much of an allowance."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #time machine, #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #recycling, #trash

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Dilbert kneels in front of a machine. He tells Dogbert, "My time machine is complete." Dogbert says, "I guess you'll be off to explore exotic and fascinating civilizations." Dilbert asks, "Why would anybody want to do that?" Dogbert replies, "Beats me." Dilbert says, "My plan is to send all of our trash to ourselves twenty years from now. We'll have much better recycling methods by then." Dilbert puts a bag of trash into the time machine and says, "I wonder what elegant methods we'll have for recycling in the future." Dilbert continues, "I bet we'll have a way that's quick and efficient and . . ." Dogbert asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Dilbert says, "Uh-oh." They hear a "ping." Dilbert and Dogbert stand among several bags of trash. Dilbert says, "We would send it back in time and wait for it to decompose." Dogbert says, "I hate us."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ratbert, #Dogbert, #story, #writing

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Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert says, "I'm writing a short story for people who don't have much patience." Ratbert reads, "Blah, blah, blah. Whatever, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera." Ratbert says, "If it's a commercial success, the sequel practically writes itself."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #mentoring, #matt, #business meeting, #assignments, #work

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Dilbert, Matt and Wally sit at a conference table. Dilbert tells Matt, "This is called a 'meeting.'" Dilbert explains, "The objective is twofold: talk as much as possible and leave with no new assignments." Dilbert and Matt leave the meeting. Matt carries a stack of folders. Dilbert pats him on the back and says, "That's okay . . . I thought your talking went very well."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #zap, #building, #anti-social

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table. As Dilbert assembles a device, Dogbert says, "I was wondering if you could build a phaser pistol so I can zap the many fools I encounter every day." Dogbert continues, "Nothing lethal, just enough to make them twitch wildly and scream. It would be fun." Dilbert says, "That wouldn't be very nice to the fools." Dogbert replies, "I just think you guys should provide more value to society."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #business report

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Dilbert hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's my time report, in fifteen minute increments." Dilbert says, "And here's my monthly project status, my budget forecast, my key accomplishments, my jeopardy list . . ." The Boss thinks as Dilbert walks away, "Never has so little been measured so much."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stock market, #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #iowa, #business strategy, #computer

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Dogbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I saved the company a fortune by sending the headquarters staff on one-way business trips." Dogbert continues as he types, "They haven't wasted money on any stupid projects all day . . . Now I can leak my strategy to the media and exercise my stock options at the uptick." The caption says, "Somewhere in Iowa." Dilbert stands in front of a farm and a dog growls at him. Dilbert says to a woman who is pointing a rifle at him, "Uh . . . I'm here for a meeting." The woman asks, "Did anybody see you?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #office, #man, #assertive

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Dogbert walks down the hall thinking, "Ha! My technique of being loud is working. I got a job and a raise in one day. Now I need an office." Dogbert shouts at a man, "Hey! I want your office now!!" Dogbert stands on the desk watching the man pack his things. Dogbert yells, "Wait . . . I might be able to use the frame for something!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #office, #job offer

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Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dilbert says, "One of my co-workers got a much better job at another company. I'm feeling quite envious." Dogbert says, "Instead of feeling sad, you should make a list of all the things you have that he doesn't." Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table writing a list. Dogbert says, "So far, you have a birthmark, a fear of spiders and the list itself." Dilbert says, "I had the birthmark removed."