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Stop right there. I'm detecting a glimmer of hope. "I was hoping I would be appreciated for my hard work." "False hope is okay. Carry on."

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"I spent my entire day planning and scheduling future work, and no time doing work." "Tomorrow I plan to spend the entire day explaining why I didn't have time to do work." "It hurts less if I call it a plan." "What happens if you call it your purpose?"

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Catbert: Evil director of human resources "I hired two people to work on your project." "One is a mumbler and the other one is hard of hearing but doesn't know it." "Mmmm, afterglow."

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Dogbert the quantifier "How can I quantify the benefits of my department?" "Try making absurd claims of value while hoping that no one asks questions." "Does that work?" "I hope so. Here's my invoice."

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I need to quantify the benefits of our department. Any ideas? "I recommend dishonesty." "Would that work?" "It made me the man I am today."

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"Thanks to my outside income, I didn't feel any pressure to work this week." "So I spent my time drawing pictures of you in funny positions." "I might be losing my firm grip on things." "Not according to this picture."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #favorable article, #publish press release, #write it, #work, #pay, #bride, #blackmail

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Tina: I hope you don't expect me to write a favorable article about your company just because you bought me drinks. Dogbert: No, I expect you to publish my press release and act like you wrote it. Tina: You can work or you can get drunk , but the pay is exactly the same.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #goals for th eyear, #replace my soul, #become immortal, #coffee

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The Boss: Wally, what are your goals for the coming year? Wally: My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal. The boss: I mean something about work. Wally: Oh, I thought you said MY goals."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #assigning balme, #eventual failure, #wrong vendor, #alienate the client, #rendered mott, #by noncompoops

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Dogbert: I'd like to kick off the project by assigning blame for its eventual failure. Dilbert: Shouldn't we do that after the project is over? Dogbert: I see no reason to wait. Dilbert: Well...okay. Our boss will make us use the wrong vendor. Wally won't do any work. Alice will alienate the client, and Ted is generally worthless. Dilbert: In summary, my excellent work will be rendered moot by nincompoops. Asok: Do you even work here? Dogbert: No, I was just in the neighborhood.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #analyzed dna, #most qualified applicant, #willing to work, #has three ears, #snout, #life expectancy of thursday, #new guy

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Dogbert: I analyzed the DNA of all of your applicants to find the best fit for the job. The most qualified applicant who is willing to work for you has three ears, a snout, and a life expectancy of Thursday." The Boss: Dilbert, meet the new guy. And do it quickly." cough cough