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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 27, 2009's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #brilliant, #moron, #appearance, #superficial, #beard, #silent, #Funny, #business

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The Boss says, "I invited silent Gary to help us decide on a technology direction." The Boss says, "We think he's a genius because he has a beard and he never speaks." The Boss says, "Gary, do you think we should use open source software for our support platform?" The Boss says, "Here it comes. He's rubbing his beard and giving me creepy eye contact." THe Boss says, "I detect a slight hint of disgust. It means Gary hates the idea! The Boss says, "Yes, it's all so obvious now. This is the worst idea in the history of mankind." The Boss says, "THe meeting is over. Silent Gary has spoken." Dilbert says, "You're actually a moron, aren't you?" Gary says, "Don't ruin this for me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 03, 2010's comic on:


Tags #human resources, #ergonomics, #bad posture, #golem, #boneless chicken, #business

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Man says, "Hello, Wally. Human resources assigned me to be your ergo buddy." Wally says, "My what?" Man says, "I'll observe while you work. Then give you suggestions on improving your ergonomics." Man says, "Your posture is all wrong, and your keyboard needs to be lower." Man says, "Your bad ergonomic practices have turned you into a golem." Wally says, "Golem?" Man says, "It means a shapeless mass imbued with life. A lump. Clod, or fool." Man says, "It's right here on my checklist. After "Boneless chicken." Wally says, "Does that say you're supposed to pour salt on me until I dry up and die?" Man says, "Let's pretend you didn't see that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 17, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #wdg, #worthless dumb guy, #banana, #project, #business

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Dilbert says, "And Russell will act as the WDG for our project." Asok says, "WDG?" Alice says, "Worthless dumb guy. Every project has one." Dilbert says, "In a different context, Russell might seem totally competent." Dilbert says, "But in any small group, the dumbest person always seems extra worthless." Dilbert says, "Everyone else on the project is brilliant. That makes Ruseell seem like a chimp." Alice says, "It's helpful to identify the WDG so we can discourage him from trying to contribute." Asok says, "Does it hurt his feelings?" Russell says, "Me want banana!" Alice says, "It's hard to know."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 24, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #sitting, #frustrated, #value, #useful, #ceo, #business

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The Boss says, ?Our CEO asked each manager to describe his group's function on one slide.? The Boss says, ?I don't see how I can fit all of our various functions on one powerpoint slide.? Dilbert says, ?You could say, 'we spend all of our time trying to convince others that we have value.'? The Boss says, ?That's not all we do.? Alice says, ?Sometimes we also argue about what we do.? The Boss says, ?That's just what we're doing right now. Tomorrow we'll be doing something totally useful.? Dilbert says, ?Maybe you could add a footnote to the slide that says, 'we dream of someday being productive.'? Dilbert says, ?Or you could exaggerate our accomplishments to create a misleading sense of our potential.? The Boss says, ?Yes!? The Boss says, ?What have we accomplished lately?? Wally says, ?We got paid for planning to lie to our CEO.?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 14, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #marketing department, #robust, #products, #confused, #clueless, #useful, #argue, #stupid, #etiquette & ethics, #waste time, #business

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Dilbert says, "The marketing department has asked us to make our products more robust." Dilbert says, "None of us knows what that means." Dilbert says, "So we can either cancel this meeting and go ask them?" Dilbert says, "Or we can pretend that arguing with each other about the true meaning of 'robust' is just as good." Dilbert says, "While that option is stupid, it would give us the illusion of doing something useful right now." Asok says, "Would it be ethical to ignore the long-term interests of stockholders just ot feel good about ourselves for a few minutes?" Dilbert says, "I think robust means it has lots of features." Wally says, "It means sturdy!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #accomplish, #week, #fantasy, #time magazine, #entrepreneurial, #real job, #motion to head, #powerpoint slides, #horror, #real life, #kill, #business

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The Boss says, "Dilbert, what did you accomplish this week?" Dilbert says, "I doubled my sales and made the cover of Time magazine." The Boss says, "What?" Dilbert says, "Oh. Whoops. Sorry." Dilbert says, "For a moment there I confused my entrepreneurial fantasty life with my real job." Dilbert says, "I run a parallel career in my mind. In that world, I'm the founder of a hot start-up."B<R>Dilbert says, "It keeps my brain from fully realizing the horror of my actual career and trying to kill the rest of my body." Dilbert says, "But to answer you original question, this week I made some powerpoint slides that have no particular use." Dilbert says, "GAAA!!! My brain is trying to kill the rest of my body!" The Boss says, "Moving on..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 14, 2010's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #project, #ship, #software, #bugs, #objection, #gray area, #example, #mock, #robot from the future, #annoyed, #business, #engineering

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The Boss says, "We start shipping in two weeks." Dilbert says, "That's not enough time to fix the known bugs." The Boss says, "When you say, 'bugs,' that's sort of a gray area." Dilbert says, "Um? I don't think it is." The Boss says, "For example, a user might need several steps to do something that should only take one." The Boss says, "Or perhaps the interface is a bit unclear." Dilbert says, "or perhaps it can only be operated by a robot from the future who jacks into it and sends commands in zeros and ones." The Boss says, "I can't tell if you're agreeing with me or mocking me." Dilbert says, "That's sort of a gray area."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 04, 2010's comic on:


Tags #cpg project, #confused, #leader, #team, #face front, #back, #walk away, #flippant, #useless, #forget, #frustrated, #angry, #comfort, #hand on shoulder, #shake, #clench teeth, #hair stand up, #business

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The Boss says, "How's the CPG project coming along?" Dilbert says, "How would I know?" The Boss says, "You're leading that project." Dilbert says, "I am? Since when?" The Boss says, "I told everyone on the team two months ago." Dilbert says, "I'm not on the team. You never told me." The Boss says, "Whatever, go tell the team you've been in charge for the past two months and see what they've accomplished." The Boss says, "Who is on the team?" The Boss says, "I forget. I think one had dark hair. And another one was sad." The Boss says, "Don't tell them there's a duplicate project in another division." Wally says, "You'll be okay. Just release the caring. Let it go."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2010's comic on:


Tags #beta test, #meeting, #face front, #impractical maintenance requirement, #lube, #bear's ear, #warrant, #product, #legal, #shake fist, #justice, #sick, #hand to mouth, #shake, #throw up, #business, #medical

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The Boss says, "The beta test went well. Thank you, Dilbert." The Boss says, "Now I'll have Tina add an impractical maintenance requirement to the manual and we're ready to go." Dilbert says, "What?" The Boss says, "It's standard procedure." The Boss says, "Say the user needs to lube the product ten time a day with the wax from a bear's ear." The Boss says, "And say the warranty is voided if the device isn't properly maintained." Dilbert says, "Is that legal?" The Boss says, "It's better than legal." The Boss says, "We're using the law to keep justice away!!" Dilbert says, "I feel sick." The Boss says, "That's how you know it's working."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 25, 2010's comic on:


Tags #wdnw system, #wally does no work, #meeting, #acronym, #lazy, #get coffee, #business

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Wally says, "I need to spend the next year optimizing the WDNW system" Boss says, "I've never heard of the WDNW system." Wally says, "You only hear about the systems that have problems." Wally says, "If everything goes as planned, you'll never hear about WDNW again." Boss says, "What does the WDNW system do?" Wally says, "It keeps our zeros and ones from accidentally forming tens." Boss says, "That can happen?" Wally says, "Not on my watch." Dilbert says, "How's the 'Wally Does No Work' project?" Wally says, "The acronym helped."