Clean Desk Comic Strips - Page 100
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Alice: Gaaa!!! Every time I leave my cubicle, someone puts a document on my chair! I have an in-ox! Stop leaving stuff in my chair!!! Dilbert: How do you keep your cubicle so neat? Wally: I put everything on Alice's chair.
Wally: I've got a bad case of something the experts call "sitting disease." Studies show that people who sit all day for their jobs have 40% greater chance of dying in the next three years. Company policy says safety is more important than productivity, right? Boss: Um... sort of. Wally: So instead of sitting at my desk working, I plan to walk around and drink coffee. For safety reasons. Boss: GO sit at your desk or you're fired. There's a good chance this problem will resolve itself within three years.
Boss: Keep talking. I can multitask. Dilbert: Studies show that multitasking with interruptions can lower I.Q. by ten points. You don't have that much to spare. Boss: I disagree with whatever you said. Dilbert: I said you're competent.
Dilbert: I got the incomprehensible not you left on my desk. I wanted to let you know that I "flermmed the plootash" just as you asked. Boss: What makes you this way? Dilbert: Maybe my DNA is flermmed
Behold my greatness! I was na engineer at google before I evolved to pure energy! Behold my path that will suck the energy out of you like a monkey on an orange. Good bot, Right in the cup.
Tags #cleaning, #engineers, #coal break room, #highest priority, #mold grow, #mutating bacteria, #rapidly eveolved, #sentient being, #fueled by lunch, #learned languages, #job in hr, #plans on firing, #inappropriate websites
Tina: You need to clean the break room refrigerator more often. Wally: We're engineers. We only do the highest priority tasks. Tina: Mold started to grow in there. Wally: That's no big deal. Tina: Bacteria caused the mold to mutate. Wally: So what? Tina: It rapidly evolved into a sentient being fueled by forgotten lunches. Then it learned language skills and got a job in Human Resources. It plans to frame you for viewing inappropriate websites at work and then fire you. Wally: This sort of thing usually works itself out.
Tags #efficiency experts, #employee tracking, #wandering aorund, #meetings, #restroom trips, #employee monitoring, #wrist monitor, #low levels of caffeine, #typos up, #beat authority figure, #tablet computer, #danger signals, #workloads
Boss: Okay, let's see how employee 3452378 is doing. According to our employee tracking system, you have wandered around the office 17% more than the average employee. Dilbert: Maybe I have more meetings than most people. Boss: No, most of the difference is in restroom trips and detours past an attractive woman's desk. Your wrist monitor shows unacceptably low levels of caffeine for your workload. That's probably why your typos are up 9% and you have looked away from your workstation nine more times than last month. Now your wrist monitor indicated a desire to bean an authority figure to death with his own tablet computer. Phew! Your brain's wuss subroutine just kicked in. The danger has passed.
Boss: Are you sure the data you gave me is correct? Dilbert: I've been giving you incorrect data for years. This is the first time you've asked. Boss: What? Dilbert: I said the data is totally accurate.
Boss; Interviews are getting awkward because of the new rule that human resources has to approve all questions. And you haven't approved any yet. Catbert: Heh heh heh heh heh heh! Boss: Stop enjoying my pain! Catbert: Stop making it so enjoyable!