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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #be a threat, #Dogbert, #recruitment agency, #clueless people, #bad hair, #cadaver program

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Dogbert stands on The Boss' desk. Dogbert says, "You need to hire people who won't be a threat to you." Dogbert hands The Boss a pamphlet and says, "The Dogbert Recruiting Agency specializes in the placement of clueless people with bad hair." The Boss replies, "I don't know... They still look threatening." Dogbert says, "Perhaps I can interest you in our cadaver program."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #creative design, #design, #build mock up, #common materials, #worst team memeber, #ignore suggestions

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Headline: Creative Design. A man points to materials and says, "Each team has one hour to design and build a mock-up using these common materials." Dilbert raises his hand and asks, "Question: doesn't this sort of exercise usually get dominated by the worst team member?" The Boss responds, "Don't worry, we can just ignore Alice's suggestions." Alice clenches her teeth in anger.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #labor market, #own paper, #unleash hound, #broken copier

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Dilbert approaches a woman at a desk. He asks, "Our copier is broken. May I use yours?" The woman responds, "Only if you use your own paper." Dilbert says, "I just need one copy and my office is about a mile away." The woman replies, "Don't make me unleash the hound." A man wearing dog ear muffs crouches next to the woman. Dilbert asks, "That's a hound?" The woman responds, "Technically he's a web designer in a tight labor market."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #serve food, #homeless on christmas, #extra hungry, #one day, #news crews arrive

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Tina says to Dilbert, "I'm signing up volunteers to serve food to the homeless on Christmas day." Dilbert responds, "How do you know in advance that they'll be extra hungry on that one day?" Tina responds, "Our P.R. firm makes sure they don't get fed for two days before the news crews arrive."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #paper weight, #mission statement, #sun, #fire, #cubicle fire, #mug, #water, #shards

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A disheveled coworker with smoke effusing from his head says to Dilbert and Wally, "Sorry I'm late." The coworker continues, "I left my mission statement paperweight in the sun and it set my cubicle on fire." The coworker continues, "I tried to douse it using my "We are Quality" mug but the handle broke and I got shards."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #server job, #abusive customer, #kindness, #tablecloth

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The manager is slapping a drunk. Dilbert says to her, "Hi. I came to apply for a server job." The manager replies, "Okay. Tell me how you would handle an abusive drunken customer like this guy." Dilbert replies, "Um.. with kindness?" The manager says, "You might want to shield yourself with a tablecloth."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #demo, #good sale, #sales training, #see coming, #selling, #sucker, #victim, #wedgie, #gullible

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Headline: Sales Training. The speaker points to a picture of an overly smiley man. He says, "Don't act like you're selling something." The speaker points to a picture of a man getting a wedgie. He says, "A good sale is like a good wedgie. Your victim shouldn't see it coming." The speaker continues, "For this next demonstration I need a volunteer who can't see what's coming." The man next to Dilbert raises his hand.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #change your mind, #sales + talk= stalk, #sales guy, #new position, #not good, #Dilbert

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Headline: Dilbert the Sales Guy. Dilbert is meeting with a customer. He says, "I'll talk to you every day to see if you change your mind." The customer replies, "Don't talk to me every day." Dilbert says, "You might change your mind." Dilbert comes home and says to Dogbert, "Did you know that if you cross 'sales' with 'talk' you get 'stalk?'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dilbert sales guy, #Card, #no correct info, #new ones, #costs money, #clout, #company, #buy something, #business

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Headline: Dilbert the Sales Guy. Dilbert hands a customer his card and says, "Here's my card. None of this information is correct." The customer asks, "Why don't you get new ones?" Dilbert responds, "That costs money." The customer adds, "You must have a lot of clout in your company." Dilbert responds, "Shut up and buy something."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #glass walled conference room, #main lobby, #fish bowl, #attractive employees, #send opinion, #convene tribunal

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Dilbert says to Carol, "Carol, I need to reserve the glass-walled conference room by the main lobby." Carol replies, "The 'Fish Bowl' is only available to attractive employees. We don't want to scare visitors." Dilbert says, "I want a second opinion." Carol replies, "Very well. I'll convene the tribunal of admin assistants."