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View 991 - 1000 results for one billion comic strips. Discover the best "One Billion" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new employees, #sophie, #engineer, #incompetent husband, #agree to relocate, #talent, #addition, #squirrel heads, #engineering

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The boss pokes his head into Dilbert's cubicle and says to Dilbert: "Dilbert, come meet the two new employees." The boss introduces Dilbert to the new employee and they both extend their hands to shake. The boss says: "This is Sophie, one of the best engineers in the business." Dilbert thinks: "the drawing of a heart" The boss points to the other new employee and says: "The other one is her imcompetent husband." The boss stands between the two new employess and says: "We had to hire him so Sophie would agree to relocate." The husband says to the boss: "Are you saying I didn't get hired for my talent." Sophie says to her husband: "You don't have any talent, honey" The husband answers: "Oh, that's right." The boss stands with his back to the husband and says to Dilbert: "Dilbert, your job is to do his job in addition to your own." Dilbert is sitting at his computer with Sophie's husband to his side. The husband says: "Do you want to see my collection of squirrel heads?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stock - picking software, #more feauture, #make hair grow, #bald guys, #test on rat, #butticks

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Dogbert: My stock-picking software needs more features. "I think I'll add a module that claims to make hair grow on bald guys. I'll first test it on a rat." Ratbert: "I feel a new one on my buttocks!" Dogbert: "That's all the proof I need."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #mark terrotory, #wireless internet option, #change to prototype

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The boss: I must mark my terrtoy by insisting on a change to the prototype. The Boss: "Give it a wireless internet option." Dilbert: "It already had one." The Boss: "What doesn't it have?" Dilbert: "An idiot designing it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bob, #Dilbert, #blackberry phone, #dinosuar, #ate phone

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Dilbert: "Bob, I bought you a Blackberry so I can send you e-mail day or night." Bob: "Thank you! I always wanted one of these!" "De-e-licious."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fist of death, #alice implicated, #beat up men, #high crime, #area, #office, #picture, #pyramid shaped hair

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Senior management has decided to move our office out of this high-crime area. "Because every one of them was beaten up in front og the building by a guy with pyramid-shaped hair.'<Br>"Police released this sketch. The guy likes to yell something about a "fist of death.""

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #conference call, #success, #set up, #15 people, #forgot to call in, #mute buttons, #spinning story

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Asok: The conference call was a huge sucess. "Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in." The boss: "So it was a phone call between two people?" Asok: "It would have been if they hadn't used the mute buttons."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #hating software, #integration project, #hate it, #simply mentioned, #pros and cons, #balanced anaysis, #hatred

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The Boss: What's this I hear about you hating the software integration project? Dilbert: "I don't hate it. I simply mentioned both the pros and cons. People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred." The Boss: "How can you hate it so much???!!" Dilbert: "This is one of those days when it's hard to be me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #emotionally unstable coworkers, #prescribe meds, #wrong choice, #defects

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Dogbert: All of your problems are caused by emotionally unstable coworkers. "Try prescribing meds from the internet to fix their defects." Dilbert: Okay. That one was the wrong choice. Let's try something else." The Boss: "GRRRR!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nickname, #the wizard, #my guru, #the lizard, #small brain, #ambition, #catches quicker

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Wally: "From now on, my nickname ill be "the wizard." It wpeaks to my guru status." Alice: "I think I'll call you "the lizard." IT speaks to your small brain and lack of ambition." wally: "Please don't." Alice: "Let's see which one catches on quicker."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #slight promotion, #pay same, #cucblice larger, #shaving the walls

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The Boss: "Asok, I decided to give you a slight promotion!" Asok: "Gasp! A slight promotion!" The Boss: "The pay will be the same but you can make your cubicle slighlty larger by shaving the ragged fabric on the inside walls." "Your new title is spelled just like the old one but it's pronounced totally differently." "ZZZZZ"