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Mordac, the preventer of information service Mordac says ,"Cloud computing is no good because strangers would have access to our data." Dilbert says, "I trust encryption way more than I trust spock-eared sociopaths." Dilbert says, "When you mention a person's ears, he won't listen to the rest of your argument."
The Boss says, "Our new director of marketing is an angry demon of some sort." The Boss says, "He's in charge of making our prices impossible for customers to understand." Woman says, "What the #%!* kind of price is "it depends"? Asok says, "He makes me say these things."
Man says, "Can I send our requirements to your fax?" Dilbert says, "Absolutely." Dilbert says, "I'll just travel back in time to 1995, when faxing was a good way to handle this sort of thing." Man says, "You realize I'm your customer, right?" Dilbert says, "Until you spend all of your money on new fax machones."
Dilbert says, "Our customer is asking for features we can't possibly deliver." The Boss says, "Say we can. We'll disappoint them later when it's too late to back out." Dilbert says, "Leaders don't like when you compare things to their honeymoons."
The Boss says, "We have to learn to do more with less." Dilbert says, "Less meetings?" The Boss says, "No. We'll need more meetings to figure out how to do more with less." Alice says, "Less micro-management?" The Boss says, "No, I'll have to watch you more closely than ever to make sure you're doing mroe with less." The Boss says, "I'm talking about using less money." Alice says, "Oh, like a death spiral. Why didn't you just say that in the first place?" Alice says, "It's as if you're talking more to say less." Dilbert says, "Should we be more like you or less?"
Boss: This award goes to Dilbert for coming up with a major fix to our HTML. Dilbert: I didn't do anything like that. You must be thinking of someone else. Do you even know what HTML is? Boss: It's like... a website? Dilbert: So... you're giving an award for something you don't understand... to someone who wasn't involved? Boss: What I meant to say is that I give this award to... Alice... for... what she did. Alice: Yes! Envy me, you stinkin' losers! Boss: I don't know why people say this improves morale. Asok: I fixed the HTML!
Dilbert says, "I need you to be open-minded about this idea." The Boss says, "Oh, really?" The Boss says, "That's the sort of thing people say before they describe the worst idea in the history of the world." Dilbert says, "My idea is to not give me a raise." The Boss says, "I'm hating you a little extra."
The Boss: Dilbert, I need you to help Ted on his project. Dilbert: If Ted's project succeeds, who will get the credit? The Boss: Ted will. It's his project. Dilbert: What if it fails? The Boss: That would be your fault for not helping him enough. Dilbert: If I spend my time helping Ted, my own projects will suffer. The only way this makes sense is if my projects are unimportant and so am I. The Boss: If it makes you feel any better, Ted and his projects are unimportant too.
Dilmom: How is work Dilbert? Dilbert: Well, mom...I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair. Incompetence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death. I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils. My job has convinced me that life is a stale joke with no punch line. I long for the comfort of the grave. Dilmom: Next time just say 'it's fine. Dilbert: I enjoy our talks. Dilmom: It's fine.
The Boss: We'll be using the Dogbert personality predictor index to judge your career potential. Then we'll leave you in the dead end job that most closely matches your lack of potential. Here's a sample question... How would other people describe you? A)Angry loner B) embezzler C) lazy Dilbert: That's not enough choices! Dogbert: Says the angry loner. The Boss: You have thirty minutes to give yourself a label that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Wally: Would you say I'm more of an unidentified hominid or an inappropriate toucher?"